Writing for Myself

Hello, Blogland. How are ya? I’ve been good. I took a hiatus from you and honestly? It felt kinda nice. It wasn’t intentional and it was nothing personal. I hope you forgive me. See, this blog of mine…it became this THING that began to feel like it was swallowing me. I stopped writing because I enjoyed it and started writing because I felt like I needed to get a post up already, my Lord, it’s been 2 weeks, 2 months, why oh why haven’t I written anything?!? And suddenly it’s been 6 or more months. And to be honest, I haven’t even looked at this page in at least 3 of those months.

Last night I sat down at my newish computer. I bought it over Thanksgiving when my last laptop crashed. And I typed in www.gsblueeyes.blogspot.com into my browser and sat there, astonished, when my newish computer didn’t even recognize the address while I typed. I’ve never visited this site on this computer?

I lost myself for a few hours in old posts. My old posts. My thoughts and memories. My worries (some of which seem so silly now, some I still carry). And I began to miss you all; I began to miss this. This whole THING. This space that I own, it’s mine. I can say, in theory, what I want. (Anyone who blogs, especially if they blog unanonymously, knows they can’t REALLY say anything they want. But still…) I can be me. I can write for myself, even if no one else reads it. Bessie.viola reminded me of that, and that’s why I love her. She’s so like me. She gets me. And I never would have met her without this space. And I miss that, too. Making friends with people I would never have met in real life because they live in Michigan and Canada and other places that are NOT upstate New York.

So, Blogland, I think I’m back, if you’ll have me. I might not post as often. I’ll try not to get sucked up by ads and obsessing over readership and all the other niggling little annoyances that made me just feel so….gah! And I will write for myself. So my future self can sit down, have a cup of coffee, and re-live these moments that are passing my current self by so quickly. That’s why I began this space. That’s what I love about it.

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A brief update on my life:

I am now the mother of a 3 year-old. She’s still amazing. She is in preschool 2 days a week. She’s potty trained. She is my joy.

My husband’s health has made a dramatic turn-around. In May he began seeing a naturopath in New Jersey named Roland Ramos. He doesn’t have a website (!!) so I can’t link you there, but he is a miracle worker. That is not hyperbole. We drive 3 hours one way once a week to see him, and it has been life changing. John is also in graduate school working on a Master’s of Social Work.

Not much is new with me, really. My job keeps me very busy, which also cut into my blogging time. I am not expecting baby #2 and probably never will be. And, honestly, I’m ok with that. My family feels right. I’ve been working on me, my internal life, my thoughts and fears. I haven’t shared a lot of it with anybody. I’ve been trying to create some cohesion between my past and my present, who I was and who I am. And all the imperfections I’ve discovered along the way. Ahh, maybe that’s a post for another day. Maybe not.

Catching Up

My new evening ritual involves sitting in the upstairs hallway with a book, the light from the bathroom spilling out just enough to read. Not that I actually spend much time reading. No, I spend anywhere from 2 to 3 hours reminding Giuliana to go back to bed, putting her back in bed, rocking her and then putting her back in bed, chasing her around her room and then putting her back in bed, getting her more milk and then putting her back in bed. You get the idea. Last night I cleaned smeared Vaseline from her changing table, her legs, the floor, and then put her back to bed.

She, suddenly, doesn't sleep. It's been hot and our central AC is on the fritz. But this began before the hot weather. But it doesn't help. I blamed it on too long naps at my mother's but then Grandma was gone for a week and Giuliana didn't take a nap for 6 straight days. Still her nights were spent being chased back to bed. Some nights I finally fall into bed, exhausted from this new, unwelcome ritual, only to have her almost immediately crawling in beside me, her hot, wiggly little body smooshed against me despite the heat.

She is a wise little girl, though. She knows how infinitely cute she can be. "Giuliana, go back to bed," I state from my perch in the hallway as she peers out at me from the crack in her door. She yanks open the door and rushes to my side. She plants a big, wet kiss on my mouth and says, "Mommy, I wuv you!" Then she sits down and begins to sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," with hand motions, while I crack up, forgetting I'm supposed to be stern and consistent about ushering her back to bed.

I keep telling myself it's only a phase. She'll eventually go back to quietly winding down and settling in by herself. If it's not a phase, please don't tell me. I prefer to believe this won't last. I confess to getting pretty frustrated around hour two of this little game. I start saying things I don't like to hear myself say. "Giuliana, you HAVE TO go to bed. I've had enough." "Giuliana, you aren't listening to Mommy and you're being naughty. Now go to bed." I check myself, though. Usually after only a moment or two. And I go back and gently put her back in bed. Give her her 4 millionth kiss of the night, wish her sweet dreams...again. I don't want to yell. I don't want to punish her because she can't unwind. But I do want her to go to sleep. I do want to have at least an hour to myself at the end of the day.

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It's potty training time at our house. It probably should have been potty training time a month or two ago. Giuliana is more than ready. She talks about the potty. She sits on the potty. She asks, begs to sit on the potty. She hasn't actually done anything on the potty yet, but she begs to sit there, none the less. But I have been putting it off. When it's warmer, I've told myself. When she can run around the house in just a pull-up and a tee-shirt. When I have more time to spend pumping her full of liquids and parading her up to the bathroom all day. But really, I'm just procrastinating. I don't know how to start, how to help her understand what she's supposed to do, how to explain. I'm worried the newness will wear off quickly and then she will begin to protest spending 10-15 minutes sitting and looking at books, no matter how fun I try to make it. I'm sure she'll be trained by the time she's ready for college. But no promises.


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PS: Has it been nearly two months since I wrote even a "Hello" on here?? How can that be? I just needed a break, it seems. I had absolutely no desire, no guilt over not posting. But now? I miss you all. XOXO

Speechless

The bloggie blahs have attacked again. I'm waiting it out till Halloween when I should have beau coup things to post about...and adorable pics to make you swoon. If work allows me time to breathe before then...well, I might just think of something else to write about, too. I'm trying. Stay tuned.

blah, blah, blah-dee blah

So.

Those of you who blog know this feeling.

The blahs.

I have nothing to write about.

Oh, I'm sure I do, but I can't really think of anything. So, I procrastinate a post, putting it off till something exciting happens or I think of something brilliantly funny/sappy/weird that I feel is worthy of sharing. And nothing seems to happen. So I wait. And then, as the days slip by, I find I haven't even looked at my blog recently. Or my friends' blogs. And I feel disconnected.

I justify, I'm so busy, I don't have time to blog right now. But if I'm so busy, how come I can't think of anything to write about? Sometimes this blog feels like a vital part of me, the place where I document, express, rant and mull over my life and how it's changed in infinite ways over the last 2 years. And sometimes it's a place for me to just be weird, which, if you know me, really know me, you know that is a vital part of me as well.

And then there are other times, times like right now, when The Blog, and all other social networking, just feels like a weight around my neck. I haven't posted in days! What if I just didn't, just walked away. No, I can't do that. Even if no one else is interested in what I have to say, I still need to be able to say it. And I want to keep these memories that I document so I can go back and sift through them when G is older and I miss my baby. But....ugh. Nothing to write about. It's like a pressure in my chest at times. Like I'm failing at something. A little bit crazy, I know, but there ya have it.

These are the things I have been doing lately, none of which I feel particularly inspired to write about for various reasons:

:Work has been exceptionally busy as I try to move from one position to another. Who really cares?

:I went to a wedding yesterday. I didn't know anyone there expect for my husband, his sister, and his father. I've met the bride and groom two or three times. Nothing very interesting happened, other than the spiritual joining of two lives.

:I made a decision on G's Halloween costume. This may be a future post. I haven't decided. Do you want to hear about it?

:G is getting better and better at saying her ABC's and she even recognizes individual letters if you ask her to point them out. She can also count 1-10 and has started counting items, like her little people. Also, she getting better at coloring. She used to just scribble randomly all over the page. Now she is scribbling over specific pictures, like she's trying to color them in. All very cute stuff that I'm proud of...but sometimes I wonder, do people get sick of hearing about every little achievement my wonderful kid makes??

:John is going up on the roof in a few minutes to try (again) to patch the teeny-tiny hole in the chimney that is causing water to leak in and wreak havoc on our walls. That's about all I've got to say about that.

See, it's just daily life. Sometimes I feel like that's a rich source of material. Other times....eh. Not so much.

What do you want to hear about?

"Happy Blogiversary To Me"

Sing along:

"Happy Blogiversary to Me..."

One year ago, I was here, wondering if I was cool enough to even have a blog. In the past year I have met so many wonderful, funny, insightful women in the blogiverse. I can't imagine my life now without you ladies! Afterall, who would I discuss crazy moth-catching babies with
or my bad mama moments? You've celebrated with me through high points (dandelions, anniversaries, and Wonder Woman) and held my hand through the low ones. You've listened to me get all sappy ( she walks! she talks! she learns!) and laughed with my crazier side (usually the crazy is helped by my husband). You've been invited into my kitchen, and you've let me go on and on about myself. You've become part of my Mama Circle, whether you're a mama or not. I love you all for it!

Thank you!

The Pinch

Some days I hate being an adult. My parents were the kind of parents who never talked about money in front of the kids. I'm sure they had their troubles and tight-spots, but we never knew. My mom was a stay-at-home mom for many years, and I know that had to take a bite out of their choices and options. But as far as I knew? Everything was ok. Stable. Oh, sure, there were things I wanted to do or buy that got answers like "that's too expensive" or "money doesn't grow on trees, you know!" But for the most part my childhood was a blissfully ignorant and secure environment where finances were handled and dispatched by the adults only.

Now I'm the adult. I suppose that means I am the one who is supposed to "handle and dispatch the finances." Blah! Thhhhhpppppp! That's what I say.

John and I both have good jobs. Our jobs are about as stable and secure as anyone's these days. We have a house, own one car and pay for another. We have good health insurance that has literally kept us from going bankrupt over the last two years, but the medical bills still add up. I have mountainous student loans that the government would like me to repay some day. Oh, and then there's that cute kid I write so much about. She likes to eat. And wear clothes that fit. And diapers....

There are CERTAINLY people who are in much tighter spots than us. But lately John and I have been feeling that pinch. That niggling uncertainty that we would be able to handle it if, god forbid, something calamitous happened. So, we've been going over the budget looking for areas to cut a little. Cable? Could we live without Noggin On Demand? Can we trim the cell phone bill? And we have been talking about ways to bring just a little more income into the house. Something to store away for a rainy day or pay off some of that debt hanging over our heads. Something to make the thought of bringing another hungry mouth into the family a little less financially overwhelming. But what to do??

Neither of us fancy the idea of getting a part-time job out of the home a few nights a week. We already feel like we rush through the evenings with so little of that precious time with Giuliana. Work at home seems like a good option, but everyone wants in on that, right? John has been looking at some free-lance writing sites. I've considered doing something like Pampered Chef. It has also been suggested that I make my blog work a little harder for me. I don't know how I feel about that, yet. I have much more research to do on monetizing. Is it a sell-out? What do you think? What about compensated reviews (if I could get them)? Damn! And I just missed BlogHer!!

What have you been doing to keep from flying off this roller coaster?

Getting In Touch

(Disclaimer: This post..It's long and convoluted. I'm kinda laying it all out there, Internet, so please bare with me.)
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So, I started a Facebook page last week. I know. I'm severely late to the game. I have this blog that I've faithfully kept since August '08 and a more recently introduced Twitter account. I'm out there, on the web, broadcasting my life. A few years ago my husband jumped on the bandwagon and started a MySpace page(and tried and tried to convince me to make one) but I resisted. Back then all my friends had a MySpace page too. I did not. And I did not want one. Then everyone switched to Facebook, where all the cool kids hang out. I resisted. My sisters-in-law, my best friends, my MOTHER even, all tried to convince me that I needed to be on Facebook. The argument went something like this..."Only people who know about your blog can access it. You would be able to update so many more people on Facebook." Ummm, exactly.

And there you have it. The true reason I resisted the world of Facebook. There are people out there. Lots of people. Lots of people who knew different versions of me in previous versions of my life.

I have spent the last few day thinking a lot about what I think about myself. I tend to think of my life in stages. Not necessarily 1.) Childhood, 2.) Teenager, 3.) College...and so on. More like this:

1.) Church girl
2.) College flaky
3.) Someone's girlfriend
4.) Short-lived marriage
5.) Discovering myself
6.) True love
7.) Mommy/Family.

In each of these stages I have been a somewhat different person, a different version of myself. I admit that the reason I was so resistant to Facebook is the fear that people who knew me at each different stage might not like me now. They might not even recognize me, and I'm not talkin' about my face. I kinda felt like I was "hiding out." Out there, in my own private way, but only visible if people knew where to look.

And this blog...it's where I show myself. I always feel like I am bearing a little piece of my soul when I put up a post. Yes, even when it's just a post with pictures of my daughter. Because she is part of my soul, too, a large part. And when I put up a post like this one...I am really letting it all hang out. And that's scary to me. What if people don't like what I have to say. What if it changes their opinion of me? But I love this blog. This blog and I, we have a complicated relationship, actually. There are days when I feel like it is hung around my neck...haven't posted in days, must think of something to write, must take cute pic of G, people are wondering where I am. And there are other days when I can't stop thinking in post titles, composing entire paragraphs in my head before I ever get near the computer. Like a lot of bloggers I kept copious journals for many years. Now they are buried somewhere in the basement (don't you worry, I know exactly where they are) and this blog serves as my journal most of the time. And I don't want to feel like I need to censor myself. Or censor my feelings because of how someone might react to them. So, the dilemma...how "out there" do I put myself?

I finally caved in on Thursday. It seemed like all signs in the Universe were pointing toward "Time for Kami to join Facebook." I'm only partially kidding. I broke down, I signed up, and it had a slightly fateful feel to it. Weird? Yes. Maybe I'm reading too much into it? Maybe. But maybe not. As I'm finding out, it's fairly impossible to be anonymous on Facebook. You become friends with one person who is friends with someone else you used to know....and yada, yada, yada- 5 days later you already have 40 Facebook friends. I accepted one friend request and Boom! Five people I haven't talked to in a few years located me. I friended my mom (yes, my mother was on Facebook before me...I know, how lame) and Bam! People I hadn't talked to in more than a decade found me.

And you know what? It wasn't as scary as I thought. I was a little apprehensive at first. But it took a surprisingly short time to get over it. And then I began to enjoy catching up with people. So, next, I went out looking. And I found my best friend from college, some friends I grew up with, people from high school. People who, in their own ways, have changed just as much as I have. But still remain great people. People who don't seem to expect that I have stayed the same, either. People who I've really missed! And it's starting to feel ok to let people see me, the Me I am right now. I am very proud of the life I have made. I love my husband. We have a rock-solid relationship. I have a beautiful, sweet-as-pie child who is the light of my life. I am happy. If others who "knew-me-when" make some judgment about me that I disagree with, that doesn't make it true, it doesn't make them right. And it doesn't mean I can't be happy anyway. In many ways I feel like I am getting in touch with myself as I get in touch with others.

I think I have mentioned here before that I have never been a very social person. I am naturally shy and introverted. I'm awkward at parties. I hate talking on the phone. I'm terrible at keeping up with people (ummm, that's why there are so many people who I've lost contact with...the picture, it becomes clear!) But I have noticed that this year I seem to be...well, let's just be corny for a second, blossoming socially. I think, no, I know, that this blog has helped that process. And I feel very strongly that stepping into Facebook is another phase. It's the phase where I get to reclaim all those versions of myself and really own them. I can embrace them as Me and not be scared about what that says about me. And, with that, I can embrace all those people who were with me along the way and not be scared that they won't like me now. Because...well, they liked me then. And I'm still me. Just an older, wiser me.

So, Hi! How have you been? I've missed you!

Here I Am

Hi folks,

Just thought I'd stop by the ol' blog and say "Hi! I'm alive!" Hey, who keeps this thing up, anyway? It is looking pretty bare these days!
What's that? Oh! It's me?!? You mean this thing doesn't just update itself? Well, that sucks. Can I get someone to do it for me? No? Hmmmm.
Well, sometime between taking care of a recovering baby, going to a gazillion doctor's appointments, actually going to work (I know! geez!), cleaning my house, weed-wacking my yard (there's an update! I've finally convinced John that we really, truly do need to own a weed-wacker!! We're buying one this week!), helping my husband get ready to go back to work on Monday (oo! oo! another update!), grocery shopping, staying on top of all the piles of dog hair that infest my floors, getting another pedicure with Kate (yes, Kate! I hear you! we do need to do this soon. Rose and my MIL want in, too) spending 5 minutes with my husband, and uh, sleeping...I'll try to whip up an interesting, maybe even scintillating post. I know you will be excited.

Miss you!
Kami
xoxoxo

I want to WIN! this...

I am entering a contest over here to win a fabulous new WIRELESS PRINTER/ SCANNER/ COPIER by HP!! Wireless! Eeek! How cool, and umm, you know, current!

I have a clunky old Dell upstairs in our dusty computer room that neither prints, scans, nor even photocopies...why is it still taking up space? Well, because I'm lazy. I have a child, and digital photos, and need to rely on Shutterfly! But if I won this beautiful printer, my life would change forever. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I will now be dreaming of all the cool photographic crafty crafts I could whip up, like Holly's cool lanterns...except I already did all that wedding stuff 4 years ago (hey, did I mention that it's my 4 year anniversary in a week? I didn't? Stay tuned, it's coming.) Surely, weddings aren't the only time in ones life where it is acceptable to spend hours tossing in bed dreaming up ever more involved projects to the neglect of pretty much all else? I mean, as I mentioned, I have a(n adorable) child, and digital photos...

Unplugged Weekend

1/2 of Front porch, Before

1/2 of Front porch, After

Other 1/2 of Front porch, Before

Other 1/2 of Front porch, After

Ok, the floor and walls need serious painting attention, but I have to say, I am pretty happy with this transformation. I was feeling that the enclosed front porch needed a face-lift. I love the porch, and the porch swing. It was one of the main selling points in the house, truth be told. I pictured us lazing about with a glass of ice tea, a good book, rocking the day away on the swing, dog contentedly sleeping in a heap on the floor. I was actually pretty happy with the front porch when I first set it up. But over the 3 years it has accumulated a pretty thick layer of dust, dog hair, and crap that had no where else to go. There are no electrical outlets out there, so that hanging light? The cord has always just...dangled, with no happy place to be plugged. And also, due to the lack of outlets, it is very difficult to vacuum out there. I mean, I have to dig out an extension cord, for god sakes!

Oh, but yesterday! I mustered the energy and vacuumed, dusted, mopped, even cleaned windows! And I rearranged the furniture (and switched out some old stuff for some new stuff). Now it feels much more usable. And cozy. Perfect for lazing. In fact, we did spend quite some time out there after I was done. G discovered the mail slot and spent, oh...7.5 minutes, give or take, opening it, closing it, peeking outside. I am going to have to start watching for things to disappear and end up on the front steps. I could just see her thinking....what would happen if I dropped something OUT there??? It's science, people. I should encourage it, right?

So, what else did I do this weekend? Well, first off, I spent all of it disconnected from the internet. Intentionally. I didn't even have my cell phone within reach most of the time! No blogging, no twittering, no texting even...well, except for a couple texts to Kate, but other than that....

My other big project was The Back Yard. Oh the backyard. Those of you who have been to my house can relate. Those who haven't...I took pictures there too, but decided that I am still to embarrassed to post them. We have a large dog, you see. And a small, fenced in yard. Perfect for G to play in...but a disaster due to said dog. Holes dug up everywhere. Dirt patches from dog pee. Dead grass. It's gross. So, my big, BIG project on Saturday was to clean it up. And I did. I mowed the grass, raked the dirt, put down fresh top soil to fill the holes/uneven spots, spread grass seed, watered. I even planted a forsythia bush. I am also going to plant a wildflower border along the garage wall, but ran out of energy to dig it up. Whew! I have the callouses to prove that I am not much of an outdoorswoman, usually. But it felt so good to get it all done. And, it looks about 1,000x better. But still not good enough to post. The fence is still falling apart, the garage needs to be scraped and painted...oh well, I will be happy with my efforts anyway. We got G all set up outside, too. Moved her fort outside, filled the water table, bought sidewalk chalk and bubbles. Needless to say, she runs to the back door the moment she comes downstairs in the morning. I forsee spending much of the summer on the patio.

To top it all off, I even rearranged the dining room on Saturday, too. G's fort had been taking up a lot of space in there ever since Christmas. When we moved it outside I was able to actually move the dining room table back into the center of the room. The dining room is still Toy Central for the downstairs (is your dining room Toy Central. I find that if you don't have a designated Toy Room, it usually becomes the dining room. Why is that?) but at least we can now eat dinner at the table, like a Norman Rockwell family. Yippee!

Oh, I almost forgot. We even made it to church yesterday. That's two weeks in a row! After...oh, a year. I had almost forgotten how awesome everyone at our church is. They really are great people. Totally welcoming, loving. There is no sitting in the back anonymously at our church, which would be my natural inclination. No, everyone there comes and says "hi", remembers your name, asks about your job. And there is none of that "churchy judgment syndrome" that seems to plague so many of the churches I have been to. So happy we found that church. John and I made a pact to kick each other in the butt to make it on Sundays.

Hope you had a fantastic weekend, too. I think I'll take a little nap at my desk now.

What I Love About Being A Mom::Meme

I was tagged by Kami (although I answered her late with my permission to be tagged) to participate in a meme that was started by HerBadMother (aka Catherine).

Here’s the deal:

Her Bad Mother’s post is the departure lounge, "I'm going to link to a couple of other mom bloggers here in Canada, and to a couple of mom bloggers from other countries around the world, and they’ll write their posts, sharing 5 things that they love (or maybe what they don’t so much love - this playground doesn’t force conformity) about being a mom, and then they’ll tag a few more bloggers from their own country and from other countries, and so on. And you’re more than welcome to join: just write a post of your own (5 things that you love about being a mom) and find someone to link to and tag - someone from your own country, if you like, but definitely someone from another country (Google is a good resource if you don’t know any; Google any country name and ‘mom’ in their blog search function) (be sure to let them know that you’ve tagged them!) - and link back here and leave a comment and we’ll add you to the ‘itinerary,’ which David will compile and post and update as the tour proceeds.”

Here we go. I'm sure most of these will be repeats from others who have already posted, but to me, they are individual and divine. The little graces that get me through the day:

1.) I absolutely love getting to (usually) be the first one my daughter sees in the morning. I walk in her room, sometimes she's awake already playing and talking away, and she graces me with this soulbreaking smile. Even the mornings when I have to wake her up...it's this same routine as soon as she comes too. Her cheeks are still rosy from sleep. She had bedhead, and usually morning breath. She jumps up to standing in her crib, grabs her precious "blankie" and says "mama" a few times. When I pick her up she snuggles in close for a few minutes. It is pure bliss, every morning. What a way to start the day!

2.) I adore watching her play. She is able, even at 16 months, to occupy herself for long stretches of time. I just stand back and watch her sometimes as she pulls toys out of her baskets, sorts things, puts things together, takes them apart, looks at her books, gives her toys kisses...it melts my heart. Everything is interesting and new. Everything is a learning opportunity. I have such a swell of pride every time I see her learn something new, figure something out. She's a genius, so it's often :)

3.) Quite honestly, I love being needed. Oh, sure there are the times when it is "inconvenient" because I am in the middle of something, or I'm just not feeling well, whatever. But when that little girl comes running up to me and grabs my legs, wanting a snuggle, or wanting me to read her a book, I feel like the most important person in the world. When she is crying and I am able to comfort her, or when she is hungry and I am able to get her something to eat, or even if she just needs her diaper changed...it all adds up to me just being her "mommy" and that is enough to make my heart sing. Who doesn't love their mommy?

4.) Watching my husband and daughter interact together fills my days with sunshine, too. My husband (for those of you who don't regularly read my blog) has an ongoing medical issue that makes it extremely difficult for him to get down and play with her, or carry her around, etc. It breaks his heart on a daily basis when he isn't able to do the things he wants with her. But, oh, those times when he is feeling a little bit ok, when he can chase her around the house, throw her up in the air and make her shriek and giggle, when he can dance with her, or go down the slide. When he can snuggle with her and read her book after book, or have a little dress-up party...those times are jewels to me. I love this man. And I love this girl. And I love that they are family because of me.

5.) I love knowing that, no matter what happens to me in life, whatever I may or may not accomplish, that I have added a beautiful soul to the world, who will help to make the world a little bit better place simply by existing in it. She brings a smile to everyone who meets her. She adds joy and cheer by just being. I love that in some small way, that is a reflection on me. But mostly, I just love that she is who she is, and that is unique and wonderful. And I get to be apart of her everyday. That is a blessing that just blows me away.

Wow. Thanks, Kami, for the chance to participate in this fun event!

Now for the tags. If you want to play along, go right ahead. Just link back to Her Bad Mother and comment there so you are counted. I am also tagging Tara, Donalyn, and Gina.

Too Beautiful to Blog

Too busy enjoying the beautiful spring weather to write. Yesterday we enjoyed a walk along the flood wall (Max appreciated the ability to run free a great deal.) And we played outside for a while. I even broke out the patio furniture. Today we have been relaxing in the sun. G is currently napping, but soon some friends are coming over and we will head outside again to soak up the sunny weather while it lasts.

For those of you who have been wondering how our trip to NYC went...it went ok all things considered. John actually saw the doctor this time. We spent about 6 hours altogether between the doctor's office and the medical imaging place. Giuliana was with us, which could have been disastrous, as those of you with kids know, but she did really well. We are blessed with this little angel of ours, who just goes with the flow and finds fun in everything. So blessed that I don't know if I want to take my chances with another one. But that's a different post. So, John saw the Dr. She ordered some blood work and an MRI of his pancreas, both of which he had done that day. She is ruling chronic pancreatitis back in until she sees the results. She thinks there might be a lesion on his pancreas, or something like that that is causing all this pain. If everything turns out normal then she said that it might be a neuropathic pain that no one is ever going to be able to truly diagnose, but that there are better pain management medications that he can try instead of popping handfuls of vicodin all day long. So, not great news, but at least someone has some ideas and alternatives to the status quo.

We didn't get lost this time. Traffic wasn't quite as bad as last time. G did great. She didn't get a lot of sleep (so neither did I) but she was a trooper. She had her first Happy Meal at McDonald's on the way home. I was ridiculously proud. And we still haven't heard from her doctor about the results of her ultrasound.

So, that's where we are. I'm going back out into the sun. Have a great Sunday.

Survey For The Truly Bored

Five names you go by:
1. Kamin
2. Kami
3. Mama
4. Baby
5. Kam


Three things you are wearing right now
1. Red and white floral top
2. white tank
3. Red necklace from my mom for my b-day
(which I built the whole outfit around, wouldn't you?)


Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. to not get lost anywhere in or around NYC this time
2. for it to be the weekend


People who will fill this out
1. Kami or Kristina

 
Two things you did last night:
1. cleaned up the dog do-do in the yard
2. wore bunny ears to amuse G


Two things you ate today.
1. salad
2. peach slices


People you last talked to on the phone
1. John
2. Sue from work


Two things you are going to do today or already have done
1. drive to NYC
2. complete a large stack of paperwork


Two of the longest road trips
1. cross-country drive to Yellowstone park
with my family when I was 12
2. D.C/Virginia with John


Three of your favorite beverages
1. coffee
2. just about any kind of fruit juice
3. diet coke

100 Blessings-Big and Small

I had been planning on doing a "100 Things About Me" post for my 100th post. But, after seeing about ten "25 Things About Me" posts on my blogroll in the last 3 days, it felt a little less than original. And, after re-reading my last several weeks of posts, I realized that I could use a little positivity in my life. So, I decided to focus my attention on all the little and big blessings in my life, to get my mind off my problems and my self-absorption (well, as it pertains to how cool I am anyway :)

So, without further ado, my 100th post: My 100 Blessings (in random order).

1. My daughter's smile first thing in the morning. She does this little bounce up and down while she is standing in the crib, holds her blankie, smiles at me, and says "Mama."
2. Hot coffee before dashing out into the frigid morning to start my car.
3. Windshield fluid that doesn't freeze when I squirt it on my window.
4. Warm socks.
5. That John often sneaks a kiss at work when we're alone.
6. Nirchi's pizza.
7. 100% employer paid health insurance.
8. That G knows how to give a hug now, and does so every time we get to that point in "BabyCakes."
9. Listening to G babble and play in her crib before I go in to get her.
10. The nights my husband is able to make up to bed and doesn't sleep on the couch.
11. Text messages.
12. A warm house.
13. Central air in the summer.
14. Summer.
15. My mother-in-law's inground pool.
16. That G loves to have books read to her.
17. That my parents provide a loving, happy, (free) childcare situation for G.
18. 2 wonderfully understanding and empathetic bosses.
19. Freshly painted toenails.
20. My health.
21. G's health.
22. My loyal, excited dog.
23. 2 cuddly kitties.
24. Neighbors who snow-blow.
25. Hot showers.
26. The nights I have the time and desire to make a hot, homecooked meal.
27. Saturday mornings that are usually slow, cuddly playtime.
28. Homemade zucchini or banana bread.
29. My kitchen-aid mixer.
30. The church John and I found and made ours. Even though we haven't been there in too long, people still call, send letters, think of and pray for us.
31. That I do believe there is a HP out there interceding on our behalf.
32. Yoga.
33. Wednesday morning yoga at work (for free, with good people.)
34. That John plays the guitar and mandolin, often.
35. Baby feet.
36. That Giuliana is almost always a happy child. She is rarely upset or whiny.
37. Hand-me-down baby clothes.
38. A good doctor.
39. Playing dress-up.
40. The days that G will let me put stuff in her hair.
41. That her hair is finally growing.
42. Blogs.
43. That John is still friends with the same guys he has known for 2+ decades.
44. That those guys have found incredible wives who have become my sisters.
45. A good book.
46. Cookbooks.
47. Shutterfly.
48. My laptop.
49. NPR in my car.
50. That my peony bushes will be bigger this year.
51. Yogurt.
52. Local music.
53. Watching my daughter figure something out.
54. That Giuliana's Godparents love her and are involved so much in her life.
    
55. Icecream.
56. Brownies.
57. Oatmeal Raisen Cookies.
58. Birthday Cake.
59. That after almost 6 years, my husband still cares to tickle me on a regular basis.
60. That he just asked to cuddle with me.
61. Rocking my baby.
62. Hearty, comforting homemade soup made by a friend.
63. Noggin On Demand.
64. That John and I always end all phone conversations with "I love you." And mean it.
65. That we also tell each other "I love you," several times a day.
66. Good health insurance.
67. Goodnight kisses.
68. Dr. Shaw, my awesome ob/gyn, who believed me when I told him that I knew I would have problems conceiving and didn't make me wait for a year before helping me. That he performed the surgery that enabled me to get pregnant with G the very next cycle.
69. Cookie-cutter cut out sandwiches for G.
70. My nieces and nephews.
71. My home.
72. A husband who waits with me in the cold, makes me laugh, and brings me cotton candy.
73. A hot bath before bed on a cold night.
74. Time enough to actually shave my legs.
75. Taking Giuliana for a walk.
76. That Giuliana loves music.
77. Popcorn.
78. Communication.
79. How Giuliana giggles when she feeds the dog her Cheerios.
80. How she sticks her face in Max's to get him to give her a "kiss," and then cracks up.
81. How she smells after a bath.
82. Scratching off to-do list items.
83. Clean dishes.
84. Tax refunds.
85. STAR rebates.
86. Stars.
87. That G knows and will remember all her grandparents.
    
88. That they all love her so much.
89. A fresh canvas, paints and an idea.
90. Cuddling on the couch with time to watch a movie.
91. G's little round tummy.
92. Bedtime.
93. Good morning hugs.
94. Family that loves us.
95. Maple syrup.
96. That, though we certainly have debts, we have enough money to provide for our family.
97. That we live now, and not one hundred or one thousand years ago.
98. That I am a mother.
99. That sometimes, I hit on some serenity and am able to just let stuff go.
100. That I could easily keep going with this list.

Bloggy Block

3 posts away from 100 and I can't think of anything to write about! I have to get to #100 cause I have that post all planned out. This is how my poor mind works, people, sorry.

Some random things, just to pass your time (you're welcome :)

I started my new job yesterday. I don't have a computer yet in that office, so I was DYING!!! all day to get online. Man! I am A-D-D-I-C-T-E-D!! Oh, did I tell you the happy news? Because of our crappy NY governor and the so-huge-it-blows-my-brain-budget-deficit in NY, my new job is now only 20 hours a week instead of 40hrs like it was originally supposed to be. So, what, you might ask, am I doing for the other 20 hours a week? Well, luckily, I still have employment for those 20 hours. I am doing my old job for now. Half and half. How fun for me. I have 2 offices, 2 phone extensions, soon to be 2 computers, 2 bosses... and I get to split my time between them. What happened is that there has been a major budget cut proposed to the part of the NYS budget that funds my new position. So, if that budget cut goes through (it is retro-active for 2008 and proposed for 2009, the NYS 2009 budget doesn't start till April) then STIC doesn't have the money for a full-time position for me. Wonderful. So right now I am in limbo. Today, I am in my old office, doing my old job. Tomorrow, I get to split myself in half :)

Other news, we had a crappy weekend. Enough said about that.

Other, other news, the STEELERS WON! So, that is cool. But I wimped out due to said crappy weekend and went to bed during the 3rd quarter, so I missed the BEST SUPERBOWL ENDING EVER, EVEN BETTER THAN LAST YEAR! Boo.

And (I swear this was not meant to be a whiny post, I don't know what happened...) G has caught a cold. Poor thing, her little red nose is running all over the place. Due to scheduling difficulties she is having a sleep-over at Grandma and Grandpa's tonight, so, though I will miss her terribly and wish she was home, hopefully she will get some good rest today and tomorrow as she will not have to be rushed back and forth from house to house in the cold.

And that's about it, folks. I can't think of anything funny or witty to write about today because my brain is absolute mush. But slog through with me for 2 more posts and I promise #100 will be interesting. In the meantime, here is a funny video to reward you for making it all the way through this crappy post. Cheers!

Wasting Post # 96 to tell you...

that I am at post # 96! Thanks to Cammie for pointing out that, she, too, is almost at 100 posts. I can't believe I have had that much to bore you, er...entice you with. What to do for post #100??

Narcissism v. Snoopery

I have been tagged by Kami (haven't you noticed? on my blogroll? there's another Kami! and a Cammie, too!) to do a meme displaying the contents, in all their glory, of my medicine cabinet, or other stashes in my bathroom. Apparently there is an online contest to see who has the most embarrassing/interesting collection of bathroom junk. I feel this may be the absolute height of narcissism and self-absorption, to think that everybody on the internet is interested in my toiletries, but admit it! you are all snoops and you peak in other people's medicine cabinets every chance you get! So, though I don't plan on entering the contest, here are some of the hiding spots and their contents in my loo. Enjoy, don't say I never gave you anything, and for goodness sake, please post YOUR pics so I don't feel so alone!

This here is the main medicine cabinet. Those of you who have been to my house may recognize it's contents (wink, wink). Let's see, we have Care Bear band-aids for G, and regular, non-cartoon band-aids for John and I. There is a cadre of prescription and non heartburn medications from both my pregnancy and John's medical issues. Oh, and G's too, apparently...I spy Mylicon, the baby wonder drug in there too. The nasal strips would be a failed attempt at decreasing snoring in my bedroom...I won't say whose snoring. The contact solution/cases are for my non-existent contacts, the ones I haven't had for 2 1/2 years cause I was pregnant and needed an eye exam and they won't give you one when your preggers, and then for the last year I have been too lazy... Oh, and that paper on the top shelf? That is the instructions for my new, fancy scale. Yes I kept them. The scale does high-tech scientific stuff like calculate your BMI and sh*t. (But ya know, I gotta agree with my SIL, Gina, I remember when BMI came out in the 80's. It was a very complicated process involving water displacement, calipers, possibly even burning a piece of fat over a bunson burner and measuring it's caloric rate...ok, maybe not that, but it was INVOLVED. Now, it is just a simple math equation that my scale can do to make me feel like a jelly donut. You know what? F-you BMI! I don't need your fancy math! So there.)


Moving on. This is the other side of the medicine cabinet proper. It is mostly John's stuff. His hair gel(s), his shaving gel, his razor, his deodorant. The top shelf is my deodorant (hi, Kate!) and my everyday perfume, "Green Tea" by Elizabeth Arden. I have been wearing that for YEARS!


Here we have the weird little niche/closet near the toilet. I don't know what the heck this space is supposed to be. It doesn't have a door, just a horizontal blind (I have been meaning to remedy that ever since we moved in, but...) and it is only a 1/2 closet in length. Very strange. Anyway, it is where we keep towels (which would be on the top shelf if we had any clean ones, which we don't currently) and washcloths, lady things, and such. Prominently displayed is my "monthly" stash (you're welcome). Extra deodorant (you don't want to run out), toothpaste, razor blades, etc are stored here. Hiding in the back, next to the Static Guard and the Febreeze, in the tin container are all my other perfumes that I never wear. We have such classics as Dune, 5th Avenue, Ralph, and some B&BW sprays. I have had all of them forEVER, and they probably don't smell as nice now. Oh, sitting by the lady stash are two bars of homemade soap (the pink things) that I made for my wedding almost 4 years ago. On the next shelf up, we have my obsession with pedicures. The green bag has all my tools, the bin is FILLED with nail polishes and I spy a sea salt rub in there too. The pink tin is also full of pedi supplies. Yet, my feet are dry, cracked and gross. It is a paradox. You might also note some leftover pregnancy supplies up there-cocoa butter and a little bottle of "Mama Massage Oil." Mmm hmm.


This is my stuff by the sink. I use the Aveeno Baby lotion for my face, and I gotta say, it is by far the best stuff I have tried. I have dry, sensitive skin and expensive stuff burns, scented stuff itches, light stuff isn't moisturizing enough...this works sooooo well. The Pantene moisturizer stuff and the Bed Head Super Star! are the extent of my hair products. Not that I don't have more stashed away somewhere, but that is all I currently use. Also not pictured (cause I didn't think of it, not cause I thought you wouldn't care!) is my entire under-the-sink holy grail of make-up items and accessories. Oh, I have so much I could show you. I used to work at a cosmetics counter and I got tons of free/discounted stuff. I will never have to buy eyeshadow again. It makes me sad, really. I LOVE buying new make-up. But is it so hard to justify it. Actually, I went on a fall-cleaning binge a few months ago and threw out BAGS FULL of old hair junk, smelly lotions/sprays that make me itch, etc. Ah, the memories of purging my bathroom junk...it makes me warm and fuzzy all over.


I would like to point out to Kami that I don't have anything even vaguely phallic in my bathroom. (I keep that stuff elsewhere. I'm kidding!! maybe...)

So, what secrets does your bathroom hold? Believe me, there are voyeurs out there (like me) who care.

Random Monday Meme

It's Monday, I am feeling a little bored, a little stressed out, a little harried, and a little at a loss for words. So, I am wasting time at work looking up interesting memes to pass on to all of you. I found one, though it is kinda high-school, but that's what makes it fun! TAG, YOU'RE IT.


What color is your bedspread? it changes, but currently it is this color
Pick up the nearest book to you,turn to page 25 & read the first sentence. "The California woman who has wrought such a cataclysmic change in Ted Bundy's life had relatives in Vancouver, British Columbia, and she has taken to calling Ted to say 'hi' when her travels brought her through Seattle from time to time." (yes, I am reading a biography of Ted Bundy, I am extremely weird.)
How many candles are in the room you are in? 2
What was your first word when you were a baby? I don't know
How old were you in 1996? 20
How old will you be in 2016? 40!! EEEKKK
How long until your birthday? 42 days
How many siblings do you have? 1
Are they older or younger than you? older
Are your grandparents still alive? no, none of them :(
How many orange objects are there in the room you are in? apparently I have a dearth of orange in my life, none
Have you ever run a stoplight? yes, on accident, I swear
Do you have any children? yes
How was your first kiss? meh
Have you completed high school yet? yes
Do you have any relatives in the military currently? no
Who got married at the last wedding you went to? Patrick and Kristina (oh, Kristina, you are sooooo tagged, now that I mentioned you!)
What time did you get up today? 6am, blech
When was the last time you stayed up all night? I am guessing 12/4/07...there was NO SLEEP that night.
How long have you had a myspace, facebook, or whatever you use? blog, since 8/08
Who was the last person of the opposite sex you hung out with? my husband
Person of the same sex? Susie at work
What color are your eyes? green
Do you like them? yes, very much
Have you ever had braces? yes, when I was 14
Turn on your mp3, cd player, radio, etc. What song is playing? NPR, I am boring and literate
What was the last thing you drank? Brisk Ice Tea from the vending machine at work
Are you better at math or art? ART! By sooooo far
Science or History? History, by far, but not as much as math/art
Who was your 4th grade teacher? Mr. Courtright, he failed me in math 2/4 quarters, see, I am so bad at math. But really, who fails a 10 year old girl in math?!?!
Who was your best friend in 7th grade? my best friend up through 7th had been Janice Hebblethwaite, but she totally dissed me in 7th grade, I still don't know why. So, it was probably Nicole Fabrizio, who lived down the street.
Where did you go to pre-school, if you went at all? I went to the nursery school at our church.
Who was the last person to call you? my husband
Did you smile in your driver's license picture? not really, it's more of a bored look
Do you have a job? yes
What is your favorite smell? Giuliana after a bath and lotion
What's your favorite brand of gum? probably Orbit?
Have you ever dated someone & then dated their sibling? no
Who was your crush in 5th grade? Phil Comfort
What color is the shirt you are wearing? white
What do you think of the 1980's? Oh, the 80's were so wonderfully bad/awesome at the same time. Who doesn't love/hate 4-14?
Have you ever dated someone more than 2 years older than you? yes, a few times
How about 2 years younger? I am married to someone 2 years younger, so I guess so
What brand of shampoo do you use? It is in an orange bottle, and I paid $10 bucks for it, and it is supposed to give my hair volume, but I don't know the name.
How long is your hair? mediumishly long
If you could change one thing about yourself physically, what would it be? lose weight
Is there a box of tissues in the room you are in right now? yes
What time is it? 3:47pm
Is their anything living (plant, animal, etc) in your room right now? just me
What color are the walls in your kitchen? green!
Have you ever had a car accident? yes, I rear ended some lady once (when I was 16, chillout) and I also was hit by a tractor trailer and forced off the road, and NO ONE stopped!
Do you have any major plans for today? No, thank god, there have been too many lately
What kind of deodorant do you use? Ban
What color is your toothbrush? purple
Do you own a digital camera? yes
How old is the cellphone you have right now? about 2 months old
What are your initials, using the last letter of each of your names? NAO
Do you know anyone named Tyler? no
How about Reese? no
Diana? no, geez, I need to meet more people
Shelby? no, but I know that John D.'s daughter's name is Shelby, but I haven't met her
Have you ever kissed someone who's name started with "C"? No, not that I can think of
How about "L"? No
"E"? No
"B"? Yes, two
Are both your parents still living? yes
What was the last thing you cooked? taco meat (or a bagel if you call that cooking, that was after the taco meat)
How many times have you moved in your life? 6
Do you live within 20 miles of your birthplace? yes
Can you do a handstand? sometimes
Is it after 11am? yes
What day is it? Monday
What's the longest time you've ever spent on the phone? 4ish hours, I think
How many pairs of brown shoes do you own? 5
Are you on any prescribed medications? No
What was the date 2 weeks ago from today? January 12, 2009
If you aren't already married, do you expect to be married within 5 years? N/A
How about 2 years? N/A
How many funerals have you been to in your lifetime? 5 I think
Have you ever been far away from home on your birthday? No, I think I have always been home, how weird
Have you ever had a pet fish? yes, I had Abraham and Sarah when I was 4, but Abraham ate Sarah
Do you have any tattoos? yes, a small flower on my left ankle
Would you ever or do you have a nose piercing? no
If you only had 30 days to live, what would you do? Spend it all with my husband and my daughter, somewhere warm, and just doing simple things that make me laugh, nothing dare-devily or stunt-related, or extravagant. Just watching G grow and learn and snuggling close.

Timely Words from Far Away

There has been some heart-aching drama in our lives the past couple of days. Oy. Drama. It makes my head hurt. Literally. I feel hung over this morning. I was not planning on posting anything about this, as all concerned in it are already up to date and it has all been Talked About, at length. But this morning as I was perusing my usual blogs with a nice (term used very loosely, this is the dredge brewed at work, after all) hot cup of coffee to perk me up, I came upon this very timely blog post from a woman that I regularly read. She lives way the heck on the other side of this continent, in Western Canada, of all places. But she is wise, funny, a great photographer, and a doting mother. Anyway. She put into words what I think a lot of my friends are feeling today. Please read.

South Beach Mondays: Week 1

Oh, how I wish I were talking about Miami. No, the South Beach diet. Here's the background: you all know John has been having health issues for a long time now. One of the side issues discovered in all the bijillion tests that he has endured is that he has a "fatty liver" which is a health risk for developing cirrhosis of the liver. It is partly a genetic thing, but can be mitigated by loosing body fat. So, his GI has recommended that he follow the South Beach diet to try to loose some weight. John wisely decided to wait till after the holidays to start, since SB involves cutting out most sugars/carbs/starches, at least for the first couple of weeks....an impossible feat during December. So, since he is starting in January, and I could stand to loose some weight myself, I decided to jump on board. We start today.

I have committed to update you all once a week as to how this process is going. Not that you all care about how much weight I may or may not loose, but it gives me some accountability to know that I am going to honestly post my weight and progress on the internet. I was raised protestant. We like to do things to cause ourselves a lot of guilt and angst.

Here's the deal: I have no "target weight" or really any expectations. I feel this is best for my psyche, see below for details on that. I just plan to do my best and stick with it as long as I feel comfortable and see what happens. My hope, I guess, is that as the weight starts to come off I will be motivated to continue.

Here's the problem: As some of you may know, I wrestled with an eating disorder for many years. It started when I was 15 and tormented me on and off for over a decade before I was able to get a good handle on it. There were periods in my life when I was totally out of control with it. I have not owned a scale for 7 years, and have been very apprehensive about bringing one into my home. I am worried that constantly monitoring my weight will do bad things to my brain. My saving grace is Giuliana. I made a commitment to her and to myself before she was born that I would not pass this thing onto her through subliminal (and not so subliminal) messages. I am firmly committed to never criticize my weight/looks in her presence. I have only slipped up once since she was born, when she was about 6 months old, and I immediately apologized to her and explained that weight is never a measure of the worth of a person. So, I hope that she will continue to inspire me to both value myself, value my thoughts and my words about my body, and value my actions that she might observe. And I hope that having a healthier Mommy and Daddy will be a good example for her as well.

Ok, here's the nitty gritty. I weighed 157lbs just before I got pregnant with G. That was my healthiest weight in years. I actually bought (and wore) 2 pair of size 8 pants at that weight. 157lbs isn't by any means a perfect weight, but I thought it was pretty good. See, I have this hormonal issue that, along with making it very difficult to get pregnant, also makes it easy to put on weight and hard to take it off. I was on a medication that helped even my hormones out and the weight just melted off. I really didn't do too much different. When I got pregnant, obviously, I gained weight. But I went overboard and gained more than I should have...I gave birth weighing 209lbs. YIKES! That's 52lbs in 9 months. Let me just tell you that G DID NOT weigh 52lbs. She weighed 7lbs, 5oz. That left me with 45lbs! Now, when you give birth you do loose a lot of water weight and some of the other weight does just sort of melt away over the first few weeks. So, I was down to 189lbs about one month after G was born. The last time I weighed myself was at one of John's doctor visits. There was a scale in the room and I hopped on. That was sometime over the summer...let's say August. I weighed 177lbs. 20lbs to go till pre-baby weight. Sigh...

Then we bought a scale yesterday. Here is my South Beach starting weight: (drum roll, please)

172.2lbs

Stay tuned. (God, did I really just post my weight on the INTERNET??)