Me, with Ipod

This one's for Kami, who complained the other day that I never put up pictures of myself. Me rockin' my new ipod :)
(Note to self: stop slouching!)

Drive that bandwagon over here, I'm jumpin' on

Ok, so my birthday isn't technically till next week. But my husband is really sweet and thoughtful and nice. And I may or may not have threatened him with bodily harm last night. So, when my birthday present arrived by UPS (addressed to ME, so, really, if it's my mail, I'm allowed to open it, right?? If my husband were to steal it and hide it, or scratch out my name and write his name on it, that is mail tampering and is a federal offense, punishable by serious jail time in a federal penitentary, am I right? Can I get an "Amen" from the congreation? I was saving him from himself and a life of crime, really. That's how these things start, you know, one offense leads to another...he would have been running Colombian Coke in no time if I hadn't intervened. I really should remind him to thank me.) he let me open it!

Yay!! An Ipod Nano! In bright, sunny yellow! 16 GB! yippee!

And that's not all. He also bought me this:


That's right, baby, STEVIE WONDER! The Definitive Collection. The pic is a link to the track list. What more could I possibly need in life? A little Stevie, an ipod to listen to it on...I'm in heaven!

But, I do need your help. See, though I was a musician in a past life, and spent many hours in vocal training...I have seriously lost touch with the musical world, and I have no idea what to put on my ipod. It is really a desparate situation, if you want to know the truth. I might end up with Stevie, a little Phish (cause we have that on heavy rotation on the stereo, thanks, John), some Dan Zanes for the kid, and....god, I couldn't even tell you what else. If you don't help me out, there's a good chance something like The Starlight Vocal Band might end up in the mix. Don't let that happen, people. Give me some ideas, some hints (copies of your playlists) to work with. At this point, I will take any and all suggestions under advisement, except regge... I've tried Kate, I really have, but I just can't do regge. Thank you, in advance, for your pity, and your salvation from a slow, very painful musical death.

I Must Be Living In A Time Warp

"The cleaning and scrubbing
will wait till tomorrow
For children grow up,
we've learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs,
dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby,
and babies don't keep."

~Unknown (at least to me, I'm lazy like that.)

I have found myself pausing more and more often and just sniffing Giuliana's hair. Or gazing longingly at that diaper-padded tushie. Or smiling inwardly when she lets me feed her.(To my friends who are not yet mothers...just you wait. You may think I am weird and unbalanced now ((well, maybe I am, but that's another discussion)) but you will be thinking these same thoughts one day, trust me.)

I know my days of her allowing me, even needing me, to cuddle with her, rock her, are limited...and running out fast. As I previously blathered on and on (thank you for humoring me, by the way) about, my baby is growing up. A little bit more each day. And, quite honestly, it freaks me out a little bit. I look at that picture up there...it doesn't seem like that long ago. But it was quite literally a lifetime ago! Her lifetime. She is only about 1 month old in that picture. Now she is inching closer and closer to 15 months. Yikes!

What freaks me out more than just the fact that she isn't really a baby anymore is that that means that I am headed into the Frightening World of Living with a Toddler. I have to bring on my parenting A-game, so to speak. Up till now, it's been pretty much cake, I'll be honest. Yes, it's exhausting cake (hmmm, that metaphor sounded better in my head) but really, it's not rocket science to keep a baby alive. Feed them, diaper them, love them to pieces, play with them, put them to bed regularly...that's really all it is, folks. Oh, I know they look all intimidating...these helpless little bundles that Cry, and Poop, and Won't Sleep, and wouldn't survive if you took off to Rome for a week on a whim and forgot about them. But, trust me, you love them so much that really, it just comes naturally.

But toddlers? They are a whole different ball game. You have to start setting rules and boundaries. You have to actually enforce said rules. They need to learn things, like: the alphabet, table manners, how to use the potty, we don't eat yellow snow, colors, how to tie shoes, how to swim, how to color, no we don't eat dirt either. You know, Important Things! And then there are the Temper Tantrums (or, as they are now more politely referred to, "meltdowns"). Oh, G had a doosy the other night...it was Long, and Loud, and Dramatic. Ummm, add "a sense of perspective" to that list of things they have to learn. It freaks me out, in a rather big way, to be responsible for all of this. And it is more here than coming soon, if you know what I mean.

And then, there is just the fact that I won't have a baby anymore. Some of my friends are moving on to their second child. I just can't find myself there quite yet. I can't picture another baby in our family yet. Soon, maybe...but not yet. So, everyday, or as often as possible, I do catch myself cherishing those baby moments that I still have with her. Because, really, babies don't keep. And I don't want to miss it.

Is It Just Me?

I have (sadly, I know, I need to get a life) mentioned Noggin's Jack's Big Music Show a few times on this blog. It's one of G's favorite shows. Now, normally, I am all raves about this show. Puppets! Music videos! Cool musical guests! Exploring and enjoying all different types of musical styles! Encouragement to make your own music! What's not to love?

Last night, I found something. What is this?? Creepy Pedophile Chic? They missed the "chic," went straight for "scary!" I felt like I needed to a:) turn the tv off, b:) take a hot shower, and c:) have a long discussion with Giuliana that Jack is just trying to teach her the type of strangers to stay away from in the park.

I'm all for Indie music, expressing yourself in unusual and creative ways. I even looked these people up on the web. They are a legit band, The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players, father, mother and daughter. Ummm....sorry, I can't say they weird me out any less.

I thought your Wednesday morning could use a little freak. Enjoy.

Excuse me while I gush...

14 months is, I am finding, a superbly fun age. Everyday my daughter is learning things that just amaze me. She is developing a passion for making her mama and daddy laugh. She knowingly and on purpose does things to be funny. She is beginning to learn some boundaries and rules. Not that she follows them. But she is learning. She is also learning the mechanics of her own body. She is figuring out how to climb, how to dance, how to run, how to sit in a chair. And everyday she seems to make new mental connections. I have observed her grouping like items in her play. She puts things back where they go (sometimes). She is beginning to figure out how things fit together in her world.
It is all so fascinating to watch. It fills me with endless pride when I see her make a connection that previously meant nothing to her. For example, last night, she was playing with her collection of valentines. She keeps them in a little oval box. She kept taking them out, looking at them, and then putting them back in the box. She had other toys around, but she knew that those toys didn't belong in the oval valentine box. Those toys (her play jewelry) belong in her play purse, which is where she put them. Then she decided to see how things fit in her little metal cup. She first put the jewelry in there. She dropped some of the jewelry on the floor, so she painstakingly picked it up, piece by piece, and put it in the cup. She had a hard time figuring out how to get the necklace to stay in the cup because the length and weight of it was pulling it out, but she learned to scrunch it all up in her hand and then place it in the cup all at once. How did she learn that? Next, she took the jewelry out and began to fill her cup with valentines. She got quite a few more in there than I expected. How does this little brain, that mere months ago didn't even know it was attached to a body with hands and feet, discover and learn the physics and mechanics of weight, balance, proportion, and scale? How does that brain figure out that jewelry, a hair brush, a hand mirror, and a purse "go together" and that her valentine cards, and only those cards, go in the little box? It astounds me, frankly.
Her developing coordination and strength leave me speechless as well. She has been trying for a few weeks to figure out how to climb up onto the couch. She attempts to heave her little knee up onto the couch. But, the couch is just a little too tall for her to scale. Or so I thought. Until Sunday. First she managed to get that knee up on the cushion and then she pulled herself up using daddy's knee for leverage. Her father and I were both astonished. And I said, "she has been trying to do that for weeks. But I don't think she could do it if you weren't sitting there, so she could use your knee as a handhold." No sooner were the words out of my mouth than she climbed down, and repeated her feat without using daddy at all. And last night? I caught her using her little red rocking chair as a ladder to reach higher shelves on the bookcase. Now I ask you, how did she devise the body mechanics to hoist her little body up onto the couch that is easily 2/3 of her own height? And where did she get the idea that a chair could be used for more than sitting in; that it could, in fact, be used for climbing?
She is just so full of LIFE. She runs to greet me, with a big smile, and hugs my legs when I pick her up from Grandma's at the end of the day. Her favorite game these days is running around the circle created by our kitchen/LR/Dining room. She says "hi," and giggles with great glee when you yell "hi" back, and cheer. Then she says "bye-bye" and runs the circle again. She enjoys giving hugs and kisses and will do so spontaneously now. She thinks it's the funniest thing to blow raspberries on my neck and arms when I am attempting to rock her to sleep. I cannot stop myself from laughing at that, even though it "encourages her."
With every day she become less of a "baby" and more and more a "little girl." While it well and truly breaks my heart, it also fills me with pride and joy to observe this transformation. I wish I could take credit for teaching her...well, anything, really. But everytime I sit back and just watch I see her discover more than I would ever think she is capable of.


Using her chair "appropriately." Earlier, she had it turned around to face the shelves and was kneeling on the seat while trying to reach that plate.


Eating cereal with Daddy. Check out that cute slip of belly!


My, how that whale-spout sprouting from the top of her head has grown recently!


Using her red chair as a table. She placed her banana slices one by one on the chair, then ate them just as carefully.


Though it is hard to tell in this picture, the pink ball is actually much smaller than the green ball. She loves to challenge herself by trying to pick up and carry both balls at the same time.


I swear I did not pose any of these pictures. That's just how she rolls.

Valentines in a cup. Note the jewelry...not in the cup. It doesn't "belong."



It just doesn't get any cuter.

He Speaks for Himself

My husband, John, talks about his own feelings recently here.

The Way It Is

Not to belabor the point, but I find myself whispering this to myself daily, practically hourly, as things continue to fall apart.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

I struggle to find balance in my nature; I am happy and content by design and it is so at odds with our circumstances...with my husband. I find myself awaking each morning, tired and exhausted, yes, but still hopeful, happy. Only to get knocked down by each new wave in this sea of anxiety and dread that finds a way to keep filling my days even as I struggle to push it out. If you have ever been in the ocean you know that pushing against the waves is futile. It is like the wave that (literally) swept me off my feet and underneath a few summers ago. Just as I thought I had found my balance another, stronger, wave came up behind it and turned me upside down, throwing me into the hard, scratchy sand littered with pebbles and jagged rocks. The wave that stole my engagement ring and threatened to steal my wedding rings too.

I struggle, too, with that feeling of wanting to control everything, to fix it somehow and make it better. To make people be and act the way I would have it. That, of course, is a futile effort. I find myself talking about futility and wasted energy a lot these days. Because, of course, as I have had to learn over and over in my life, the only control you ever have is over your own reactions to things, people, events. To spend time worrying, agonizing, fighting what is is wasting your own limited energy. But the feelings persist. They are there moments after I awake and threaten the peace that I found overnight.

And then, as the prayer says, there are the things I can change. I can change my own angst, my own despair. But, oh, after that initial optimistic waking, it can be so hard to regain my footing. That bigger, stronger wave always seems to be lurking, waiting to knock me down.

So, I pray. This simple prayer that reminds me that I can't control much, can't change much, and it is hopelessly exhausting to try. Instead, I need to accept things as they are, examine and adjust my own attitude and responses to situations and other people. To find peace in being, whatever is. To make sure that I am true to myself, to my own nature. To change the things that I can change, and find peace with the things that I can't.

Serenity.

Friday the 13th

It's Monday. I'm exhausted. Thank you, Mr. Lincoln, for having a birthday today, because I can't imagine having to go into work right now.
So, for fun, let's recap the trip John and I took last week through the Greater New York (State) and New Jersey area.
We left Thursday. Dropped Giuliana off with my parents, because of course, we couldn't take her, so we had to spend two days away from my Cupcake. More on that later. We headed to Albany to see a neurologist. It was Crappy Driving Weather. Rain, Sleet, WIND!, and some Snow, too. But despite nature's best efforts, we arrived in Albany on time, without getting lost, etc. Good start, right?
So all in all, this appointment, while uneventful, was, at least, an event. It happened, in other words. We showed up, on time, on the day they told us to be there, the doctor was also there, John got nekked (well, ok, gowned), the doctor came in, talked to us, John got dressed, we paid, set up additional tests, left. Easy.
Nothing of note happened at that appointment, really. The guy said that he doesn't think that John is having Focal Seizures, but, since we came all that way, and since he has already had every other test under the sun, we might as well follow up to officially rule seizures out. Basically what we expected. John is to have an EEG and an MRI of his spine to check for seizure activity or nerve damage. We have to go back to Albany for those.
We left Albany (without finding somewhere easy for lunch...where do these people eat?) got on 84 and headed for NYC, via NJ (I hate f*ing NJ). We were still hungry, and also needed to pick up some wine for John's family in Brooklyn (who we were staying with). I was hoping for an actual meal, with a printed menu, silverware, a table cloth, you know the kind. So, we passed up the thruway service area and looked for a promising exit. We got off at Catskill, NY. The tollbooth guy, so helpful like, said "yeah, on the right" when I asked him if there might be a restaurant nearby. There was no restaurant on the right. Well, I should say, there were 2, but they were both closed for the season. So, we turned around and went to the left, and drove a ways into Catskill proper. Cute. Not so big on restaurants either, though. We did find a little liquor store, which carried Upstate NY wines (even ones that I have had and approve of), so check! one item off the list. But the only restaurant that was open had $10 appetizers, to START with. So, we found our way back to 84 and ended up eating greasy, cold service area food after all.
Anyway. I shouldn't be complaining about that, because our trip was about to get much more...adventurous.
On to f*ing NJ (as I lovingly like to call it). Crazy, crazy drivers in NJ. Did I mention previously that I did ALL the driving on this trip, as John was, and is, very heavily medicated and still in unbelievable pain? Well, we survived the traffic. Here are some scenes of NYC "whizzing" by (at 2 miles an hour) while we waited, and waited to get into the Lincoln Tunnel.



The Lincoln Tunnel? Is NEVER easy to get into. You literally take your life in your hands trying to merge from 4 lanes down to ONE, but then once you are in the tunnel, you better fly because no one wants to stay in there any longer than necessary.
Did you know that the Lincoln Tunnel spits you out in Mid-town Manhattan? I think I did know this, but had blocked it out in a psychologically protective move. And while we're on the subject...Mapquest can go to hell.
We got royally lost in Manhattan. We inadvertantly visited Times Square. We ended up going the wrong way on the West Side Highway. We drove casually through Up-, Mid-, and Down-town in an effort to find the freaking Brooklyn/Battery Tunnel only to drive PAST it because the flippin sign? Is right on top of the tunnel exit, all the way in the LEFT lane, while we were all the way in the RIGHT lane. So, we took the Brooklyn Bridge, which we didn't have directions for. Oh, and we drove past the WTC site. Here was our view.


Once we made it to Brooklyn, and John called his cousin for directions, we found their building pretty easily. Things started looking up, too, because we found a parking space directly in front of their building, which is unheard of in that part of the city. It was 8pm by the time we arrived (we exited the Lincoln Tunnel into Manhattan at 6:30pm, so that gives you an idea.) I was graciously given two glasses of wine. Thank you! We spent some time chatting with John's Aunt Stacey, who I had not previously met (she's divorced from his uncle) and his cousins Tommy, Jeanine and Michelle. Soon, we fell, exhausted, into Jeanine's comfy bed. This was the first night in weeks that John and I have slept in the same bed (due to his pain issues, not anger) so that was nice. I woke up around 7am out of habit. I had the place to myself, as Stacey had already left for work, Tommy had gone home the night before, and Jeanine and Michelle slept in. I took time to enjoy a cup of coffee and bask in a sunny, warm Brooklyn morning.


(Kristina, this one's for you, I knew you would fall in love with this old, awesome oven in this sunny, cool kitchen!)


Also, (I swear I was NOT snooping in the medicine cabnit, I was looking for toothpaste!) I saw a medicine bottle with Stacey's full name on it and fell in love. Anastasia Giglio. I am soooo adding that one to the baby name list for future little Giglios. (No, I am NOT pregnant.) I ran it past John, he didn't know that was Stacey's full name, and he loved it too. Moving on.
I enjoyed the morning to myself. But when John woke up he was in a lot of pain. The day before had really worn him out. We had been planning on leaving for his doctor's appointment early enough to park at the hospital and take the subway back downtown to Little Italy to get some food and maybe do a little Valentine shopping. Jeanine and Michelle planned on coming with us to prevent another Lost episode. But, John was in so much pain that he could barely make it off the couch. So, we just hung out in that incredibly sunny, beautiful living room for most of the morning. I printed new, Jeanine approved driving directions to get out of Manhattan (and back into f*ing NJ) without anymore nightmarish tours of the island. At 1pm it was decided that we really needed to get moving to be able to grab some lunch and still make it to John's doctor's appointment at 3pm (for the record, milage from the Brooklyn apartment to the doctor's office...5 miles. We left 2 hours early. How do people live like this?) Jeanine and Michelle assured us that we could, in fact, get better Italian food in Brooklyn since we were in an italian neighborhood. We drove around the corner and two blocks up and stopped at a random pizza place. This was the spread they had out for lunch.



You are looking at (a small sampling): chicken piccata, calamari, shrimp scampi, roasted vegetables, breaded artichokes, ziti, bruschetta. Oh, and pizza. Lots of pizza.
This is John's idea of HEAVEN. And I had to talk him into eating a slice of pizza. He didn't think he could eat ANYTHING because he felt so crappy. We ended up only having some pizza (which was so thin you could practically see through it, except for all the yummy sauce and CHEESE!) and the BEST bruschetta I have ever had (I really should have taken a picture of this beautiful bruschetta.) YUM!!
We left for The City. And hit standing traffic trying to get out of Brooklyn. Sigh. Skip ahead an hour, and we made it to Presbyterian Hospital with 15 mins. to spare. Perfect. Jeanine offered to just drive my car around while we went up to the appointment to avoid either a): spending $50 on a parking garage, or b): driving around for an hour looking for metered parking. Very nice of her. So, we got out and went up to see this GI that John has been looking forward to seeing with equal parts of hope and apprehension. We both feel that if an answer is to be had, it will probably come from either her, or whoever she refers John to. So, needless to say, we were both nervous and invested in this appointment. Only, as the receptionist assured us, we would need to hold that thought for another month, because our appointment is not Friday, February 13th. It is Friday, March 13th. Now, I promise you, when I made that appointment a few weeks ago, I was told FEBRUARY 13th. Because I double checked with the woman on the phone. And she said yes, FEBRUARY. But, you really don't have much choice when you are standing at the reception desk on 2/13/09 at 3pm and the surly receptionist points out that you are, according to her computer, a fool who is a month early for your appointment, and how stupid are you anyway? You know, I have never invested much energy into the whole Friday the 13th drama. But now, with TWO Friday the 13ths in a row...I am nervous for next month. I am not even going to go into all the bad juju that might happen when we venture back down next month for our actual (it damn well better be!) appointment.
Needless to say, both John and I were royally pissed off and depressed leaving the office. Double Sigh. But what else could we do but come back?
So, Jeanine and Michelle got out, after giving us much needed hugs, and headed for the train back to Brooklyn. And John and I headed out of NYC. Oh traffic. I hate you. Yeah, we weren't the only ones heading out of NYC on a Friday afternoon. But, as I am getting way to experienced at driving in crazy ass traffic, we didn't get lost, or hit, and did actually make it out of the city (via the GW Bridge this time, not, thank God, the Tunnel) and back into f*ing NJ in one piece.
As we merged onto 17W in Paramus, f*ing NJ, there was a holy light...and this:


and John said since I had been such a good girl all week, and since he had eaten a few handfuls of pills, that we could stop. YIPEE!!
An hour and a half later (and $150):



IKEA. I love you so. And my husband, who was an IKEA virgin, and who HATES to shop, even said that he could see the draw, the love that is IKEA. And he said we can go back some day for a kitchen :) Double YIPEE!
We picked up a little red rocking chair for G's valentine. She loves it.


So, we also had to stop at John's Uncle Jimmy's restaurant in Rock Hill, NY to pick up a pan of eggplant parmasean for John's dad. Yes, I'm serious. Then we went to their house to eat our dinner and chat. You cannot drive past Uncle Jimmy's without stopping to eat and chat. It is not done. Even at 8pm when you haven't seen your daughter in 2 days, have had a horrible trip, are tired, and still have 2 more hours to drive.
We arrived at my parents' house at 10:30pm to pick up our sleeping little girl. She woke up and was mildly (ha) unhappy about it. We took her home. She fell asleep in the car. And so I woke her up again getting her out of the car and into bed. Which would have been ok as she really wanted to go back to sleep. But when I was rocking her, her diaper leaked. Which NEVER happens. She soaked through her onesy, her jammies, her blankie, and me. At 11:30pm. Sigh. So, I changed her, and had to take away her blankie. All of which woke her waaaaaaaaaaay up. And so then we rocked, and rocked, and had a bottle, and rocked, and finally I just took her to bed with me because my husband was going to sleep on the couch anyway. And of course she didn't fall easily asleep there either. So, I (did not) got a LOT of sleep after such a crappy, long, stressful, muscle knotting trip.
Friday the 13th. Yep, that's about right.

My LOVE

Holy Cow!...er, Chicken

Brace yourself. You are about to see something that hasn't been seen on this blog for a very long time.


I made dinner.

Ok, it's nothing fancy, some braised chicken (that sounds fancy, but isn't), cous cous from a box, and Birdseye steamed vegetables. You know what though? It tasted pretty good, it was quick and easy, and it made me feel better to take care of my family in a healthy way. I love to cook, I love to spend hours in the kitchen creating things that don't quite fit into any recipe box...a little of this, a little of that. I am even growing to like challenging myself with baking (my nemesis, because you CAN'T do a little of this and a little of that. It's exact. Like math. Bleh.) But tonight, after a longer than I care to admit hiatus, it felt good to just make something I could probably do in my sleep, that I didn't have to measure anything for (even the cous cous, I just eyeballed it), and that is just comforting. I feel accomplished (probably more than I should, actually) and that is lifting my spirits.

Enjoy your dinner.

As Previously Mentioned: Serenity

As schizophrenic as I have been feeling lately, I can't decide between this:

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

or this:

as my response to life these days.

I was feeling all peaceful and optimistic in my outlook, having completed my "blessings" list, gaining some perspective, etc. There will be hard times, but there will come answers. Find the blessings in life in the meantime. Stay positive. All that jazz.

And then a friend heard some absolutely devastating news yesterday. And I realized, once again, that life can be insanely f*ing unfair.

So what do you do? Stay serene? Or go straight for insanity, no detours? Don't look at me, I'm still trying to figure it out.

100 Blessings-Big and Small

I had been planning on doing a "100 Things About Me" post for my 100th post. But, after seeing about ten "25 Things About Me" posts on my blogroll in the last 3 days, it felt a little less than original. And, after re-reading my last several weeks of posts, I realized that I could use a little positivity in my life. So, I decided to focus my attention on all the little and big blessings in my life, to get my mind off my problems and my self-absorption (well, as it pertains to how cool I am anyway :)

So, without further ado, my 100th post: My 100 Blessings (in random order).

1. My daughter's smile first thing in the morning. She does this little bounce up and down while she is standing in the crib, holds her blankie, smiles at me, and says "Mama."
2. Hot coffee before dashing out into the frigid morning to start my car.
3. Windshield fluid that doesn't freeze when I squirt it on my window.
4. Warm socks.
5. That John often sneaks a kiss at work when we're alone.
6. Nirchi's pizza.
7. 100% employer paid health insurance.
8. That G knows how to give a hug now, and does so every time we get to that point in "BabyCakes."
9. Listening to G babble and play in her crib before I go in to get her.
10. The nights my husband is able to make up to bed and doesn't sleep on the couch.
11. Text messages.
12. A warm house.
13. Central air in the summer.
14. Summer.
15. My mother-in-law's inground pool.
16. That G loves to have books read to her.
17. That my parents provide a loving, happy, (free) childcare situation for G.
18. 2 wonderfully understanding and empathetic bosses.
19. Freshly painted toenails.
20. My health.
21. G's health.
22. My loyal, excited dog.
23. 2 cuddly kitties.
24. Neighbors who snow-blow.
25. Hot showers.
26. The nights I have the time and desire to make a hot, homecooked meal.
27. Saturday mornings that are usually slow, cuddly playtime.
28. Homemade zucchini or banana bread.
29. My kitchen-aid mixer.
30. The church John and I found and made ours. Even though we haven't been there in too long, people still call, send letters, think of and pray for us.
31. That I do believe there is a HP out there interceding on our behalf.
32. Yoga.
33. Wednesday morning yoga at work (for free, with good people.)
34. That John plays the guitar and mandolin, often.
35. Baby feet.
36. That Giuliana is almost always a happy child. She is rarely upset or whiny.
37. Hand-me-down baby clothes.
38. A good doctor.
39. Playing dress-up.
40. The days that G will let me put stuff in her hair.
41. That her hair is finally growing.
42. Blogs.
43. That John is still friends with the same guys he has known for 2+ decades.
44. That those guys have found incredible wives who have become my sisters.
45. A good book.
46. Cookbooks.
47. Shutterfly.
48. My laptop.
49. NPR in my car.
50. That my peony bushes will be bigger this year.
51. Yogurt.
52. Local music.
53. Watching my daughter figure something out.
54. That Giuliana's Godparents love her and are involved so much in her life.
    
55. Icecream.
56. Brownies.
57. Oatmeal Raisen Cookies.
58. Birthday Cake.
59. That after almost 6 years, my husband still cares to tickle me on a regular basis.
60. That he just asked to cuddle with me.
61. Rocking my baby.
62. Hearty, comforting homemade soup made by a friend.
63. Noggin On Demand.
64. That John and I always end all phone conversations with "I love you." And mean it.
65. That we also tell each other "I love you," several times a day.
66. Good health insurance.
67. Goodnight kisses.
68. Dr. Shaw, my awesome ob/gyn, who believed me when I told him that I knew I would have problems conceiving and didn't make me wait for a year before helping me. That he performed the surgery that enabled me to get pregnant with G the very next cycle.
69. Cookie-cutter cut out sandwiches for G.
70. My nieces and nephews.
71. My home.
72. A husband who waits with me in the cold, makes me laugh, and brings me cotton candy.
73. A hot bath before bed on a cold night.
74. Time enough to actually shave my legs.
75. Taking Giuliana for a walk.
76. That Giuliana loves music.
77. Popcorn.
78. Communication.
79. How Giuliana giggles when she feeds the dog her Cheerios.
80. How she sticks her face in Max's to get him to give her a "kiss," and then cracks up.
81. How she smells after a bath.
82. Scratching off to-do list items.
83. Clean dishes.
84. Tax refunds.
85. STAR rebates.
86. Stars.
87. That G knows and will remember all her grandparents.
    
88. That they all love her so much.
89. A fresh canvas, paints and an idea.
90. Cuddling on the couch with time to watch a movie.
91. G's little round tummy.
92. Bedtime.
93. Good morning hugs.
94. Family that loves us.
95. Maple syrup.
96. That, though we certainly have debts, we have enough money to provide for our family.
97. That we live now, and not one hundred or one thousand years ago.
98. That I am a mother.
99. That sometimes, I hit on some serenity and am able to just let stuff go.
100. That I could easily keep going with this list.

A Little Help From Our Friends

As a lot of you know, my family has been going through a difficult time lately. John has this crazy pain in his abdomen that brings him to his knees many times a day, and leaves a lingering pain 24/7. He finds it hard to do almost anything, though he tries and tries and it leaves him in even more pain. His doctor finally put him on disability on Thursday for at least 4 weeks. Luckily, we both work at an amazing agency that just so happens to work with people with disabilities, so, there's a lot of sympathy and good benefits. He will continue to receive full pay while on disability, as he did the last 3 times he has been on disability in the last 18 months (3 hospitalizations).

I have been trying to keep up on my own, but, man, it's hard. I had an insane month at work due to changing jobs. I haven't seen much of my daughter because of working so much. I have been so exhausted that I have just basically let all housework go. Now, I grant you, for me, that still means my house is pretty clean. I am fastidious, I admit it. "Hi, my name is Kami, and I'm obsessively organized." I manage to keep all of G's toy picked up most of the time, or at least picked up enough so they don't take over the house. I literally can't sit down until any and all "piles" of stuff have been put away. I HATE! piles. They do not exist in my house. And I straighten furniture, knick knacks, etc in my sleep. I can't help it. But...there is a fine layer of dust, cat hair and dog hair on top of EVERYTHING in my house. I have 3 baskets of laundry in the basement that haven't been sorted, folded or put away in 2 weeks. I have a big pile of sheets, towels also in the basement waiting to be washed, and 2 overflowing hampers upstairs. I haven't truly cleaned my bathroom in weeks (ewwww). I haven't vacuumed possibly since Christmas, I can't remember. I haven't even swept my hardwood floors in a few weeks. I did finally break down yesterday and wipe up all the sticky spots on my kitchen floor, but it hasn't seen a mop in quite a while. And my little backyard? Where the dog is let out? Let's just call that a disgusting, vile, biohazard and not talk about it anymore. Now that I have you thoroughly grossed out, let's move on.

I put out a call, both on my blog and in person, last week to any and all friends and family who might be able to help us out a little bit. And I just want to say a HUMONGOUS THANK YOU! to all the people who have responded with their help, their time, their love and support. Dan and Colleen came over the other night and brought a big, yummy lasagna that we have been enjoying ever since (read: I don't have to cook). Rose and Jason came over last week and took our dog for a very much needed walk (read: less jumping on G). Kate and Nick came over today and played with G (read: I took a nap!). And then there are all the people at work who have offered me a shoulder to (literally) cry on, advice, and help actually getting sh*t done, too. And my parents who have been there whenever we needed any extra help with G. And all my bloggy friends who have been there with loving words and thoughts. Thank you, thank you.

I don't know where the next few weeks will lead us. We have a lot of important doctors' appointments coming up. I sincerly hope that we will find some answers. Hey, a diagnosis would be nice. It is so much easier to go down this road with all of you behind my back, propping my exhausted self up.

Passed Out

This is what the end of a long week looks like.

My family all stayed home today. John has been put on disability by his doctor for at least the next 4 weeks. Giuliana has had a yucky cold all week. I am both emotionally and physically drained. We all took a time out today. I did have to run to the grocery store for "a couple of things" ($53 worth?? how does that ALWAYS happen?!?) But other than that, we stayed in, watched tv, read books, and rested.
I wish I could say that we all took naps, but G can't breathe through her nose. Let me explain. She always has a bottle before her nap. She relaxes and usually falls asleep or is close to it by the end of the bottle. But, as we discovered, when she has a stuffed up nose, she can't take her bottle normally. She has to keep stopping to take a breath. Which is not relaxing at all. So....she never took a nap, dispite 3 attempts that ate up about 3 1/2 hours. Anyway...she was so tired that she took her bath an hour early and then, about half way through her bedtime bottle (more sip, sip, sip, breathe, sip, sip, sip, breathe), she just turned her head to the side and passed out. She was snoring before I could carry her over to the crib.
And now, I am going to take a bath and will probably then go to bed as well (sans bottle...well, at least milk bottle).
Caio, peeps.

Bloggy Block

3 posts away from 100 and I can't think of anything to write about! I have to get to #100 cause I have that post all planned out. This is how my poor mind works, people, sorry.

Some random things, just to pass your time (you're welcome :)

I started my new job yesterday. I don't have a computer yet in that office, so I was DYING!!! all day to get online. Man! I am A-D-D-I-C-T-E-D!! Oh, did I tell you the happy news? Because of our crappy NY governor and the so-huge-it-blows-my-brain-budget-deficit in NY, my new job is now only 20 hours a week instead of 40hrs like it was originally supposed to be. So, what, you might ask, am I doing for the other 20 hours a week? Well, luckily, I still have employment for those 20 hours. I am doing my old job for now. Half and half. How fun for me. I have 2 offices, 2 phone extensions, soon to be 2 computers, 2 bosses... and I get to split my time between them. What happened is that there has been a major budget cut proposed to the part of the NYS budget that funds my new position. So, if that budget cut goes through (it is retro-active for 2008 and proposed for 2009, the NYS 2009 budget doesn't start till April) then STIC doesn't have the money for a full-time position for me. Wonderful. So right now I am in limbo. Today, I am in my old office, doing my old job. Tomorrow, I get to split myself in half :)

Other news, we had a crappy weekend. Enough said about that.

Other, other news, the STEELERS WON! So, that is cool. But I wimped out due to said crappy weekend and went to bed during the 3rd quarter, so I missed the BEST SUPERBOWL ENDING EVER, EVEN BETTER THAN LAST YEAR! Boo.

And (I swear this was not meant to be a whiny post, I don't know what happened...) G has caught a cold. Poor thing, her little red nose is running all over the place. Due to scheduling difficulties she is having a sleep-over at Grandma and Grandpa's tonight, so, though I will miss her terribly and wish she was home, hopefully she will get some good rest today and tomorrow as she will not have to be rushed back and forth from house to house in the cold.

And that's about it, folks. I can't think of anything funny or witty to write about today because my brain is absolute mush. But slog through with me for 2 more posts and I promise #100 will be interesting. In the meantime, here is a funny video to reward you for making it all the way through this crappy post. Cheers!