The Mama Circle

There is this right of passage in young motherhood (ok, there are MANY, but I am talking about one in particular) that SingleMom aka my SIL, Gina, told me about before G was born. When you have your first baby you suddenly crave to be friends with other moms. I call it your "Mama Circle." It's not that you don't love your old friends who don't have children yet-you love them dearly, especially now because they link you to your "old self"-the self that didn't have to wake up at 4am every morning to get someone a bottle, the self who could stay up late, sleep in, go out of town easily, etc. And the old self that is still caught up in the Relationship, which is important. I have 2 friends who just got married this summer, Mrs. Danby and Sweetfern (isn't it nice that all my friends have blogs that I can link to!) and it was so sweet to see them in full wedding mode!! That primary Relationship-the he/she or whatever you prefer-is of course very important. But when you have a child together, that Relationship so often takes a backseat out of neccessity. It's not that you aren't still in love or that you don't care to spend time together, it just gets so much harder to make that time. And you have this little baby who demands ALL of your attention at least 99% of the time for several months, and then at least 90% of your time for the rest of the forseeable future! That makes you squeeze the Relationship into that remaining time. Tricky. So, while you love to spend time with your old friends who help you stay attached to your old self and thereby help you maintain your Relationship, you also begin to desire the Mama Circle.

The Mama Circle consists of many women, young and old, new friends and people you've know for a long time but are now rediscovering in a new light. They are mothers who have both been there and done that, and mothers who are there and are doing that right now. And mothers who will be there and will do that soon. I find myself relying on advice from women in all stages of motherhood when I have questions or concerns about whatever G is up to. My own mother and mother-in-law. My sisters-in-law. My wonderful friends at work who have kids beyond the baby stage. And my friends who have just had babies and are in the same place that I am. I find myself relating to women in a different context. It's kinda like this secret society, which of course isn't secret and consists of roughly 40% of the entire population, but it feels like this secret society when you first enter it.

Anyway, I have been busy lately building the relationships that are building my Mama Circle. I cherish these women who have already given me invaluable advice and support when I have needed it. And, largely, I would bet most of these women didn't know they were doing that for me. It is just the way the Mama Circle seems to work. What's up with your kids lately? Oh, I had the same problem, here's what worked for me...Or, oh, honey, I have been there! Hang in there, she'll outgrow that phase. And here's the surprise for me that inspired this post. I get to be in other young mothers Mama Circles! There is a woman at work, let's call her M, who had a baby 2 months ago. She just came back to work yesterday. I spent sometime with her yesterday admiring her teeny sweetheart and offhandedly gave her some advice that worked for me. Afterward, I felt like maybe I had helped her out a little, and it felt good. And I realized that this motherhood thing goes round and round and everyone is included in their own way. It's pretty cool really.

I was trying to describe my desire for friends who are mothers to John. I said it seemed almost instinctual to seek out these women, almost like a tribal thing. And the more I think about it, the more that seems just about right.