Wasting Post # 96 to tell you...

that I am at post # 96! Thanks to Cammie for pointing out that, she, too, is almost at 100 posts. I can't believe I have had that much to bore you, er...entice you with. What to do for post #100??

Narcissism v. Snoopery

I have been tagged by Kami (haven't you noticed? on my blogroll? there's another Kami! and a Cammie, too!) to do a meme displaying the contents, in all their glory, of my medicine cabinet, or other stashes in my bathroom. Apparently there is an online contest to see who has the most embarrassing/interesting collection of bathroom junk. I feel this may be the absolute height of narcissism and self-absorption, to think that everybody on the internet is interested in my toiletries, but admit it! you are all snoops and you peak in other people's medicine cabinets every chance you get! So, though I don't plan on entering the contest, here are some of the hiding spots and their contents in my loo. Enjoy, don't say I never gave you anything, and for goodness sake, please post YOUR pics so I don't feel so alone!

This here is the main medicine cabinet. Those of you who have been to my house may recognize it's contents (wink, wink). Let's see, we have Care Bear band-aids for G, and regular, non-cartoon band-aids for John and I. There is a cadre of prescription and non heartburn medications from both my pregnancy and John's medical issues. Oh, and G's too, apparently...I spy Mylicon, the baby wonder drug in there too. The nasal strips would be a failed attempt at decreasing snoring in my bedroom...I won't say whose snoring. The contact solution/cases are for my non-existent contacts, the ones I haven't had for 2 1/2 years cause I was pregnant and needed an eye exam and they won't give you one when your preggers, and then for the last year I have been too lazy... Oh, and that paper on the top shelf? That is the instructions for my new, fancy scale. Yes I kept them. The scale does high-tech scientific stuff like calculate your BMI and sh*t. (But ya know, I gotta agree with my SIL, Gina, I remember when BMI came out in the 80's. It was a very complicated process involving water displacement, calipers, possibly even burning a piece of fat over a bunson burner and measuring it's caloric rate...ok, maybe not that, but it was INVOLVED. Now, it is just a simple math equation that my scale can do to make me feel like a jelly donut. You know what? F-you BMI! I don't need your fancy math! So there.)


Moving on. This is the other side of the medicine cabinet proper. It is mostly John's stuff. His hair gel(s), his shaving gel, his razor, his deodorant. The top shelf is my deodorant (hi, Kate!) and my everyday perfume, "Green Tea" by Elizabeth Arden. I have been wearing that for YEARS!


Here we have the weird little niche/closet near the toilet. I don't know what the heck this space is supposed to be. It doesn't have a door, just a horizontal blind (I have been meaning to remedy that ever since we moved in, but...) and it is only a 1/2 closet in length. Very strange. Anyway, it is where we keep towels (which would be on the top shelf if we had any clean ones, which we don't currently) and washcloths, lady things, and such. Prominently displayed is my "monthly" stash (you're welcome). Extra deodorant (you don't want to run out), toothpaste, razor blades, etc are stored here. Hiding in the back, next to the Static Guard and the Febreeze, in the tin container are all my other perfumes that I never wear. We have such classics as Dune, 5th Avenue, Ralph, and some B&BW sprays. I have had all of them forEVER, and they probably don't smell as nice now. Oh, sitting by the lady stash are two bars of homemade soap (the pink things) that I made for my wedding almost 4 years ago. On the next shelf up, we have my obsession with pedicures. The green bag has all my tools, the bin is FILLED with nail polishes and I spy a sea salt rub in there too. The pink tin is also full of pedi supplies. Yet, my feet are dry, cracked and gross. It is a paradox. You might also note some leftover pregnancy supplies up there-cocoa butter and a little bottle of "Mama Massage Oil." Mmm hmm.


This is my stuff by the sink. I use the Aveeno Baby lotion for my face, and I gotta say, it is by far the best stuff I have tried. I have dry, sensitive skin and expensive stuff burns, scented stuff itches, light stuff isn't moisturizing enough...this works sooooo well. The Pantene moisturizer stuff and the Bed Head Super Star! are the extent of my hair products. Not that I don't have more stashed away somewhere, but that is all I currently use. Also not pictured (cause I didn't think of it, not cause I thought you wouldn't care!) is my entire under-the-sink holy grail of make-up items and accessories. Oh, I have so much I could show you. I used to work at a cosmetics counter and I got tons of free/discounted stuff. I will never have to buy eyeshadow again. It makes me sad, really. I LOVE buying new make-up. But is it so hard to justify it. Actually, I went on a fall-cleaning binge a few months ago and threw out BAGS FULL of old hair junk, smelly lotions/sprays that make me itch, etc. Ah, the memories of purging my bathroom junk...it makes me warm and fuzzy all over.


I would like to point out to Kami that I don't have anything even vaguely phallic in my bathroom. (I keep that stuff elsewhere. I'm kidding!! maybe...)

So, what secrets does your bathroom hold? Believe me, there are voyeurs out there (like me) who care.

A Better Day

Today was a better day than yesterday. Here are the highlights:

• I woke up to a snow day! Work was canceled. I love STIC.
• Our neighbor snow-blew (snow-blowed?) our front walk and sidewalk. Awesome.
• G was in a great mood all day. I think she really wanted to stay home today, and she got her wish. We played all day. She even gave John a break and they had a great time.
• Speaking of G and Daddy, they played dress up! I gave her some jewelry and a hat to play with. She had tons of fun having Daddy help her accessorize and then looking at herself in the mirror to check out the effect. I just stood back and watched, all smiles. Here are the results:
  

• I made blueberry/ginger thumbprint cookies (first try, they turned out! yay!) and they were popular house-wide. G had 4 of them.
• We took some cookies over to our neighbors to thank them for snow-blowing. It felt good.
• I got my car back! They drained the transmission fluid and refilled it and maybe did something with a belt? That fixed the problem. The absolute best part? NO CHARGE! Apparently there is some sort of class action suit related to my transmission and the problem was related to that. So Saturn fixed it for free. And if it happens again, they will give me a new transmission, FOR FREE. Awesome.

So, all in all, I am feeling better about things today. I am still feeling overwhelmed with John's health issues and the effects it is having on our family life. But. Today was a better day.

January Can Just Bite It

Fed-up-ed-ness (nice, huh? I am in love with making up words lately) and hatred of winter seem to be a recurring theme on my blog roll the last few days. See here, here, here, here,and here. I am about to trampoline right onto this bandwagon.

Yesterday was just another sucky day. It was a long-ass day at work, another day when I didn't see Giuliana for more than 30 minutes, John and I had an argument (we made up) and I got a pounding headache. The topper happened at the end of my last appointment for the day. I was already not happy about going to this appointment. It was at 4:30pm waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out in Vestal Center. I am always there at least an hour. That means that the absolute earliest I could have picked Giuliana up from my parents' house out in Conklin was 6pm. Then trek back to Endicott=6:30pm by the time we get home. Earliest possible scenario. YUCK! But, it was not to work out that way. Oh no, it got way worse.

The family I was visiting, as I stated, lives far, far out there, almost to Pennsylvania (you measure the distance to PA in feet, not miles). I have been working with them for at least 2 years. That equals at least 24 visits to their house, ok. They have this driveway that goes down pretty steeply from the road, for about 200ft to their house. I have driven down, and then up, this driveway at least 24 times. Never before have I gotten stuck. Not until last night. Last night I got soooooooooo stuck. I could not get my car (my SUV! that does not have 4WD) anywhere close to up that driveway. In fact, not only would my car not go up, it kept sliding back down, when it was in DRIVE! I tried and I tried, coming at it from every possible angle, rocking back and forth (luckily it is a wide drive) but no go.

Finally, at 5:30 I called John, who was on his way to his own appointment. He canceled that and drove out to rescue me. Meanwhile, I went back into the house to let them know I was stuck. They had not heard me spinning my wheels for the last 10 minutes in their driveway. Now, this family has some issues that I won't get into for the sake of privacy. But, let me just tell you that this single mom has had me pretty freaked out in the past about how far out in the country she lives and how crazy her ex husband is, and how many guns he has, and stuff like that. Good times. So anyway, she tells me that she has gotten stuck many times in the driveway, but she can usually get out using cat litter for traction. But, she and her daughter have to leave soon to go to a swim practice. So she comes out and helps me spread cat litter under my wheels, and allllllllllllllllllll the way up this 200ft driveway. I try again, and again, and again.....still stuck.

Finally, my knight shows up to save me (I love him so). He tries to get the car unstuck. And, wait for it....the TRANSMISSION DECIDES TO BLOW! So, now, not only am I well and truly stuck in this driveway, but now my car is not going anywhere because the wheels don't turn. At all. And it is f*ing freezing. And this mom is leaving. And we are supposed to get a huge snow storm that will bury my car even further.

The good news of the evening came when I realized that, thank God, we have been paying for roadside assistance with our car insurance (I promised Liberty Mutual I would pimp them to my friends in a survey I took post-tow truck.) So, I called LM and they told me that I was covered and they would send a tow truck out ASAP. Which turned out to be an hour later. And I had to stay with my car because of some NYS law that says I have to be there when the tow comes because I have to prove that it is in fact my car and this is not all some grand scheme to steal this stuck, dead car.

Thankfully, thankfully, my loving, cute, funny husband was there, too. He really did make it all better. We sat in his car to stay warm. Then he went down the road to the gas station (the one in PA, yeah, I'm telling you, we were out there) to get some dinner. I (who can't drive John's car, because it is a f*ing standard) had to stand by the road in case the tow truck came. That part was not fun. At all. It was very dark. And, remember how I mentioned the crazy ex-husband, with guns, and we are out in the middle of nowhere, and now I am really freaking out!! But, nothing happened, and John came back, with delicious (so not delicious) gas station pizza, chips, and cotton candy in a bag :) We sat and ate and talked about silly shit and laughed for the next 1/2 hour.

Finally the tow truck came. And the guy got out of the truck at the top of the driveway, looked down at my car, and said, "There's no way I'm taking my truck down there, I'll never get it out." Oh, yeah. That's what he said. But, after he inspected the situation and John buttered him up with his nice guyness, the tow guy hooked up about 4 chains and pulled my car allllllllllllllllllllll the way up that driveway to his truck. That took about an hour. Then he loaded it on the back and drove it off to Saturn. Where it is now. Our warrenty should (please GOD) cover what ever happened to the transmission. We are still waiting to hear. We did have to pay $54 for the tow because the roadside assistance only covers a tow up to 6 miles. And we were at least 10 miles just to get back to RT434. But, all in all, it could have been a lot worse.

Then we got home. My parents' had brought G home for us and kept her up till we got there (at 8pm!) She was happy to see me. Not so happy with John. Which broke his heart, and consequently mine. She has been going through this "phase" lately where she is not quite a fan of Daddy. It is really killing John. She picked a particularly bad time for this phase, given all the shit January has thrown at John already.

I am so sick of this month. I'm cold, stressed, broke, heartbroken, frustrated, and not in a good mood. And, honestly, I just need a break. So, too all my friends out there, just to let you know, John and I could really use some help here. We are just drowning in it. Anyone who wants to come and make dinner, walk the dog, vacuum my house, watch my daughter, or just make us laugh is so welcome. We love you all. Thank you in advance.

Random Monday Meme

It's Monday, I am feeling a little bored, a little stressed out, a little harried, and a little at a loss for words. So, I am wasting time at work looking up interesting memes to pass on to all of you. I found one, though it is kinda high-school, but that's what makes it fun! TAG, YOU'RE IT.


What color is your bedspread? it changes, but currently it is this color
Pick up the nearest book to you,turn to page 25 & read the first sentence. "The California woman who has wrought such a cataclysmic change in Ted Bundy's life had relatives in Vancouver, British Columbia, and she has taken to calling Ted to say 'hi' when her travels brought her through Seattle from time to time." (yes, I am reading a biography of Ted Bundy, I am extremely weird.)
How many candles are in the room you are in? 2
What was your first word when you were a baby? I don't know
How old were you in 1996? 20
How old will you be in 2016? 40!! EEEKKK
How long until your birthday? 42 days
How many siblings do you have? 1
Are they older or younger than you? older
Are your grandparents still alive? no, none of them :(
How many orange objects are there in the room you are in? apparently I have a dearth of orange in my life, none
Have you ever run a stoplight? yes, on accident, I swear
Do you have any children? yes
How was your first kiss? meh
Have you completed high school yet? yes
Do you have any relatives in the military currently? no
Who got married at the last wedding you went to? Patrick and Kristina (oh, Kristina, you are sooooo tagged, now that I mentioned you!)
What time did you get up today? 6am, blech
When was the last time you stayed up all night? I am guessing 12/4/07...there was NO SLEEP that night.
How long have you had a myspace, facebook, or whatever you use? blog, since 8/08
Who was the last person of the opposite sex you hung out with? my husband
Person of the same sex? Susie at work
What color are your eyes? green
Do you like them? yes, very much
Have you ever had braces? yes, when I was 14
Turn on your mp3, cd player, radio, etc. What song is playing? NPR, I am boring and literate
What was the last thing you drank? Brisk Ice Tea from the vending machine at work
Are you better at math or art? ART! By sooooo far
Science or History? History, by far, but not as much as math/art
Who was your 4th grade teacher? Mr. Courtright, he failed me in math 2/4 quarters, see, I am so bad at math. But really, who fails a 10 year old girl in math?!?!
Who was your best friend in 7th grade? my best friend up through 7th had been Janice Hebblethwaite, but she totally dissed me in 7th grade, I still don't know why. So, it was probably Nicole Fabrizio, who lived down the street.
Where did you go to pre-school, if you went at all? I went to the nursery school at our church.
Who was the last person to call you? my husband
Did you smile in your driver's license picture? not really, it's more of a bored look
Do you have a job? yes
What is your favorite smell? Giuliana after a bath and lotion
What's your favorite brand of gum? probably Orbit?
Have you ever dated someone & then dated their sibling? no
Who was your crush in 5th grade? Phil Comfort
What color is the shirt you are wearing? white
What do you think of the 1980's? Oh, the 80's were so wonderfully bad/awesome at the same time. Who doesn't love/hate 4-14?
Have you ever dated someone more than 2 years older than you? yes, a few times
How about 2 years younger? I am married to someone 2 years younger, so I guess so
What brand of shampoo do you use? It is in an orange bottle, and I paid $10 bucks for it, and it is supposed to give my hair volume, but I don't know the name.
How long is your hair? mediumishly long
If you could change one thing about yourself physically, what would it be? lose weight
Is there a box of tissues in the room you are in right now? yes
What time is it? 3:47pm
Is their anything living (plant, animal, etc) in your room right now? just me
What color are the walls in your kitchen? green!
Have you ever had a car accident? yes, I rear ended some lady once (when I was 16, chillout) and I also was hit by a tractor trailer and forced off the road, and NO ONE stopped!
Do you have any major plans for today? No, thank god, there have been too many lately
What kind of deodorant do you use? Ban
What color is your toothbrush? purple
Do you own a digital camera? yes
How old is the cellphone you have right now? about 2 months old
What are your initials, using the last letter of each of your names? NAO
Do you know anyone named Tyler? no
How about Reese? no
Diana? no, geez, I need to meet more people
Shelby? no, but I know that John D.'s daughter's name is Shelby, but I haven't met her
Have you ever kissed someone who's name started with "C"? No, not that I can think of
How about "L"? No
"E"? No
"B"? Yes, two
Are both your parents still living? yes
What was the last thing you cooked? taco meat (or a bagel if you call that cooking, that was after the taco meat)
How many times have you moved in your life? 6
Do you live within 20 miles of your birthplace? yes
Can you do a handstand? sometimes
Is it after 11am? yes
What day is it? Monday
What's the longest time you've ever spent on the phone? 4ish hours, I think
How many pairs of brown shoes do you own? 5
Are you on any prescribed medications? No
What was the date 2 weeks ago from today? January 12, 2009
If you aren't already married, do you expect to be married within 5 years? N/A
How about 2 years? N/A
How many funerals have you been to in your lifetime? 5 I think
Have you ever been far away from home on your birthday? No, I think I have always been home, how weird
Have you ever had a pet fish? yes, I had Abraham and Sarah when I was 4, but Abraham ate Sarah
Do you have any tattoos? yes, a small flower on my left ankle
Would you ever or do you have a nose piercing? no
If you only had 30 days to live, what would you do? Spend it all with my husband and my daughter, somewhere warm, and just doing simple things that make me laugh, nothing dare-devily or stunt-related, or extravagant. Just watching G grow and learn and snuggling close.

Hail To The Chief

Today, I am able to stand and agree with Michelle Obama. Today, I am proud of my country. I am proud of what we've done. I hope and pray that I can continue to be proud. It's a really great feeling.

Oh Yes We Did!

One hour and 10 minutes to go till George Bush is out the door and Barack Obama is finally, finally IN!
I am so excited I am at a loss for words.

A Perfect Day for Homemade Soup

Somedays, I like to pretend I'm Sweetfern. I see she and I are on the same page today. Today is a soup day. The thermometer is hovering around 20 degrees, there is a slight snow shower coating the neighborhood white. You practically crave a hot bowl of soup on a day like this. And fresh zucchini bread to go along. Yum.

Today I made a recipe that has been in my file for at least 15 years. No kidding. It was pulled out of one of my mom's Country Living magazines when I was in my late teens, and I was starting to put together a recipe file for my future home (yes, I did this. Shut up.) The date on the magazine page is September 1991. I've never made it before today. But I am so glad I finally tried it.

Sweet Potato and Corn Chowder

3 oz Canadian bacon, chopped ( I used a piece of a ham steak instead)
1 small onion, chopped
1/2 cup chopped sweet red pepper
1/2 cup chopped leek
5 baby bella mushrooms, sliced (my addition)
1 teaspoon fresh or 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
1 teaspoon fresh or 1/2 teaspoon dried marjoram
(I threw in about 1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary, too, which is great, but it did overtake the other spices.)
1/2 teaspoon salt ( I probably used closer to a full teaspoon)
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
2 medium sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 1/2 inch chunks
1 cup fresh or frozen whole-kernel corn
1 14 oz can chicken broth
3 cups water
2 teaspoons cornstarch
1/2 cup heavy cream

1. In a large sauce pan or stock pot, saute bacon over medium heat until crisp. Since I used ham instead, I sauteed with about 1 teaspoon olive oil until it was nicely browned.

2. Add onion, red pepper, leek, mushroom, thyme, marjoram, (rosemary), salt, pepper to bacon/ham. Saute, stirring occasionally, 10 minutes.

3. Add sweet potatoes, corn, chicken broth, and 2 1/2 cups water. Cook until potatoes are soft 15-20 minutes over medium heat.

4. Mix cornstarch into remaining 1/2 cup water. Add to soup mixture and heat soup to boiling, stirring constantly. Continue to boil and stir as soup thickens, about 3-4 minutes.

5. Reduce heat to low, add heavy cream. Simmer for about 10 more minutes, stirring occasionally.

Top with grated cheese, serve immediately with the fresh zucchini bread. Be warm and cozy. Watch football. Or, as I was doing, listen to a homemade guitar and mandolin duo. While I was cooking and enjoying my soup, Mr. Sweetfern came over and helped John tune the mandolin I bought him for his birthday (yes, he got it early. I've told you before I'm no good at keeping secrets.)

That's a pretty good way to warm up a chilly Sunday.

"This is one time when I'm glad I'm not using a Shamwow!"

This is what my husband just said to me, as he was about to clean fresh cat puke off the carpeted stairs. It cracked me up. I had to share. We enjoy wasting time watching absurd informercials. We actually own a "Magic Bullet" knockoff, the "Rocket!" How could I resist? Make pesto in 3 seconds! Chop up ingredients for your very own homemade quesidilla in 15 seconds! Homemade salsa? 10 seconds flat. Smoothies, grated cheese, omelets, all just a few pulses away! I especially adore the smoking, hungover, be-curlered (yeah, I made that one up) housewife in full makeup and jammies, with the alcoholic attitude. That is how you hawk kitchen appliances, my friends! It is classic. The Shamwow! guy? He has attitude, too. Who knew a dude from Brooklyn would be that into saving paper towels?
But, for cat puke, let me assure you, you want a papertowel.
Happy Saturday.

Timely Words from Far Away

There has been some heart-aching drama in our lives the past couple of days. Oy. Drama. It makes my head hurt. Literally. I feel hung over this morning. I was not planning on posting anything about this, as all concerned in it are already up to date and it has all been Talked About, at length. But this morning as I was perusing my usual blogs with a nice (term used very loosely, this is the dredge brewed at work, after all) hot cup of coffee to perk me up, I came upon this very timely blog post from a woman that I regularly read. She lives way the heck on the other side of this continent, in Western Canada, of all places. But she is wise, funny, a great photographer, and a doting mother. Anyway. She put into words what I think a lot of my friends are feeling today. Please read.

Another Failed "Cure"

Yesterday just sucked. It was emotional, disappointing, and stressful. Sorry, Kristina, the sun didn't help my mood.
G ended up having an ok day. She, according to my mother, wasn't fussy or cranky after I dropped her off in the morning. She played nicely all day and ate well, took a good nap. All good things. She was in a good mood when I finally picked her up at 5:30pm and made us laugh and smile last night. But my heart ached for her all day.
And meanwhile, on the other side of my heart, John had a really rough day. He had a doctor's appointment in the late afternoon. I accompanied him. We waited roughly an hour before anything happened. The long and short of the appointment is this: it didn't work.
See, his GI doctor has determined that he can't find any gastrointestinal issue with John. He says that he has done every test and everything checks out. I have a very hard time believing or accepting that. But, anyway, his new big idea was that there must be some nerve dysfunction in John's abdominal wall that is basically causing his nerves to go haywire and causing the pain. So, he proposed to inject a numbing agent, much like you get at the dentist, into John's chest to see if he could numb the nerves and stop the pain. If it worked, this numbing agent would make him pain free for 4 glorious hours. After that, once they knew it would work, John could get a long acting shot that would work for 3 months. 3 Months! Of no pain! Of a normal life! It's like porn to our ears! Yeah, well, the shots, all eight of them, didn't work. His chest was numb. But that didn't stop his pain.
I think I bought into this concept more heavily than John did. He never seemed all that excited about it. I guess he has heard Dr. Marhaba promise a cure to his pain too many times now to believe it. I was so hoping that this was it! This was gonna work! Life would get back to something resembling normal and John would be free of this, and la de da, isn't spring just around the freakin' corner, too? I am so frustrated and disappointed. I have absolutely no idea what to do next. I think Dr. Marhaba is out of ideas. That may be a good thing, since everything he has done has just caused more problems (he's the genius that triggered John's pancreatitis in June.) But, I don't even know where to turn now. We have exhausted all the local resources. John has contacted his aunt who is a nurse in Brooklyn. She is working to locate a doctor down there who might help. We'll see.
I guess we'll just have to hang in there. Going permanently back to bed doesn't seem to be an option.

Mondays Always Get Me Down (or The Agony of Parenting Week 2)

Yep, it's Monday. The day after I just spent 2 cozy, homey days with my little Chicaboo. And now, I miss her so much, it is making my heart hurt even worse than last week! Don't worry, I promise not to write installments each week about how sorrowful and morose I am feeling. But I gotta tell ya, this working mommy guilt is no laughing matter. And it's not just guilt, it's true heartbreak. This morning G was clingy and crying and all out of sorts. I was sorely tempted to stay home with her, John and I discussed it seriously. She started that last night, actually. I don't know if she doesn't feel good, or her gums hurt from teething, or she is just all mixed up from not having a regular schedule for the past month. I stayed home with her an extra hour this morning before shuttling her to Nanny and Pa's. She went willingly to my mom, but no smile for me. And I have been crying ever since. Kids should come with a warning label. "Caution: may cause manic/depressive symptoms. Beware of constant and inconsolable heartbreak mixed with overwhelming love, joy, and pride." You don't get one without the other.

A Weekend Spent at HOME!

Other than a quick run to the Giant (by my husband, not me!) and some necessary laundry


and shoveling, there was very little going on at our house this weekend. We didn't go anywhere, didn't really even see anybody (my father-in-law stopped by for a little bit, but that's it). There was a lot of this


this, (no makeup even!)


this


and this.


A much needed, and much enjoyed, slow, lazy weekend, with nothing to do. Everyone in the house took naps. We cuddled and played. That's about it. Oh, it was wonderful!

Oh! Rats!

Here I went and posted this awesome blog about my commitment to South Beach and weight loose, and within hours I got all this wonderful support from my even more wonderful friends...and now we aren't going to do it. Now at least. See, this is how I spent half of my day-in the ER with John. Again. He was in serious pain. Which is not what caused the diet flop. Well, directly anyway. We were both doing good (hey, one meal down...does that count?) I had a egg and tomato omelet for breakfast and a handful of nuts for a snack. And John had a hard-boiled egg. He didn't get to eat again. After I took him home from the hospital I went back to work, and I stopped and got a grilled chicken salad, no croutons and low-fat dressing used very sparingly. And another handful of nuts. Go me. But when I got home John told me that he just didn't feel like he could handle doing this diet right now given how much pain he is in. He ate a handful of pistachios when he got home. That's it, cause he didn't know what he could eat and didn't have the energy to find out. AWWWWWW. My poor guy :( He also usually eats cereal or something soft like that when he is really in a lot of pain. Not so SOBE.

So, we decided to put the South Beach idea on the back burner until he visits the pain clinic, which will hopefully be soon! Then, depending on what happens there, we will try again. But thanks for all your support. And enjoy knowing how much I weigh. Haha :) Everything I wrote still applies...we will just hold it over for a few weeks.

By the way, dinner was spaghetti, meatballs, and another salad. Already off the wagon.

The Agony of Parenting

A large piece of my heart is missing today. More than my heart, really, I feel like my soul has been ripped away from me. Dramatic? Maybe. But that is how I feel. Today is the official start of G's life separate from me. She is at her grandparent's today. And everyday for the foreseeable future. I sit here in tears, completely unable to focus on work. How will I be able to be her mother when I will not see her for more than a few waking hours every evening? How can I turn my child over to be essentially raised by someone else? Even if it is my parents. She is our daughter. We should be the ones playing with her, teaching her, rocking her to sleep, disciplining her, loving her all day. What a screwed up society we live in. What could possibly be more important that raising your child? Pouring yourself into this person that you brought into the world, to mold them into a good person, an intelligent, caring, kind person. But our society doesn't allow this to be a priority for most parents. It has driven our culture to make ordinary life so freaking expensive that it is nearly impossible for a family to live on one average income. Both John and I make "decent" salaries, for the occupation we are in and our length of employment. But there is NO WAY we could cut out one half of our income. So, there really is no other option but to both work full-time and allow someone else the privilege of raising our daughter. Because, that really is what it amounts to. It is more than simply "watching" her during the day, or "babysitting." She will spend the majority of her waking hours with someone else. And that means that person will be, in essence, parenting her. This makes me terribly sad. No, don't get me wrong. I am so, so grateful that the people who will be caring for her are my parents. That is truly the best option and G will benefit from it. But, it's still not John and I. And I am also so, so grateful that I work for an agency that truly values and supports families and that has not only allowed G to spend her first year with both parents everyday, but will also welcome her on days when I don't have childcare, or on a random day that I just can't bear not having her with me a moment longer. Oh, I am so grateful. But today, it just doesn't make it any easier. Because a physical piece of my body, this part of my heart and soul, is OUT THERE. Not here. And it is a permanent thing. Not just for today, or this week. For the rest of her life. I just want to take her and stuff her back inside my body and carry her with me forever. Really. Man, does this suck.

South Beach Mondays: Week 1

Oh, how I wish I were talking about Miami. No, the South Beach diet. Here's the background: you all know John has been having health issues for a long time now. One of the side issues discovered in all the bijillion tests that he has endured is that he has a "fatty liver" which is a health risk for developing cirrhosis of the liver. It is partly a genetic thing, but can be mitigated by loosing body fat. So, his GI has recommended that he follow the South Beach diet to try to loose some weight. John wisely decided to wait till after the holidays to start, since SB involves cutting out most sugars/carbs/starches, at least for the first couple of weeks....an impossible feat during December. So, since he is starting in January, and I could stand to loose some weight myself, I decided to jump on board. We start today.

I have committed to update you all once a week as to how this process is going. Not that you all care about how much weight I may or may not loose, but it gives me some accountability to know that I am going to honestly post my weight and progress on the internet. I was raised protestant. We like to do things to cause ourselves a lot of guilt and angst.

Here's the deal: I have no "target weight" or really any expectations. I feel this is best for my psyche, see below for details on that. I just plan to do my best and stick with it as long as I feel comfortable and see what happens. My hope, I guess, is that as the weight starts to come off I will be motivated to continue.

Here's the problem: As some of you may know, I wrestled with an eating disorder for many years. It started when I was 15 and tormented me on and off for over a decade before I was able to get a good handle on it. There were periods in my life when I was totally out of control with it. I have not owned a scale for 7 years, and have been very apprehensive about bringing one into my home. I am worried that constantly monitoring my weight will do bad things to my brain. My saving grace is Giuliana. I made a commitment to her and to myself before she was born that I would not pass this thing onto her through subliminal (and not so subliminal) messages. I am firmly committed to never criticize my weight/looks in her presence. I have only slipped up once since she was born, when she was about 6 months old, and I immediately apologized to her and explained that weight is never a measure of the worth of a person. So, I hope that she will continue to inspire me to both value myself, value my thoughts and my words about my body, and value my actions that she might observe. And I hope that having a healthier Mommy and Daddy will be a good example for her as well.

Ok, here's the nitty gritty. I weighed 157lbs just before I got pregnant with G. That was my healthiest weight in years. I actually bought (and wore) 2 pair of size 8 pants at that weight. 157lbs isn't by any means a perfect weight, but I thought it was pretty good. See, I have this hormonal issue that, along with making it very difficult to get pregnant, also makes it easy to put on weight and hard to take it off. I was on a medication that helped even my hormones out and the weight just melted off. I really didn't do too much different. When I got pregnant, obviously, I gained weight. But I went overboard and gained more than I should have...I gave birth weighing 209lbs. YIKES! That's 52lbs in 9 months. Let me just tell you that G DID NOT weigh 52lbs. She weighed 7lbs, 5oz. That left me with 45lbs! Now, when you give birth you do loose a lot of water weight and some of the other weight does just sort of melt away over the first few weeks. So, I was down to 189lbs about one month after G was born. The last time I weighed myself was at one of John's doctor visits. There was a scale in the room and I hopped on. That was sometime over the summer...let's say August. I weighed 177lbs. 20lbs to go till pre-baby weight. Sigh...

Then we bought a scale yesterday. Here is my South Beach starting weight: (drum roll, please)

172.2lbs

Stay tuned. (God, did I really just post my weight on the INTERNET??)