Getting In Touch

(Disclaimer: This post..It's long and convoluted. I'm kinda laying it all out there, Internet, so please bare with me.)
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So, I started a Facebook page last week. I know. I'm severely late to the game. I have this blog that I've faithfully kept since August '08 and a more recently introduced Twitter account. I'm out there, on the web, broadcasting my life. A few years ago my husband jumped on the bandwagon and started a MySpace page(and tried and tried to convince me to make one) but I resisted. Back then all my friends had a MySpace page too. I did not. And I did not want one. Then everyone switched to Facebook, where all the cool kids hang out. I resisted. My sisters-in-law, my best friends, my MOTHER even, all tried to convince me that I needed to be on Facebook. The argument went something like this..."Only people who know about your blog can access it. You would be able to update so many more people on Facebook." Ummm, exactly.

And there you have it. The true reason I resisted the world of Facebook. There are people out there. Lots of people. Lots of people who knew different versions of me in previous versions of my life.

I have spent the last few day thinking a lot about what I think about myself. I tend to think of my life in stages. Not necessarily 1.) Childhood, 2.) Teenager, 3.) College...and so on. More like this:

1.) Church girl
2.) College flaky
3.) Someone's girlfriend
4.) Short-lived marriage
5.) Discovering myself
6.) True love
7.) Mommy/Family.

In each of these stages I have been a somewhat different person, a different version of myself. I admit that the reason I was so resistant to Facebook is the fear that people who knew me at each different stage might not like me now. They might not even recognize me, and I'm not talkin' about my face. I kinda felt like I was "hiding out." Out there, in my own private way, but only visible if people knew where to look.

And this blog...it's where I show myself. I always feel like I am bearing a little piece of my soul when I put up a post. Yes, even when it's just a post with pictures of my daughter. Because she is part of my soul, too, a large part. And when I put up a post like this one...I am really letting it all hang out. And that's scary to me. What if people don't like what I have to say. What if it changes their opinion of me? But I love this blog. This blog and I, we have a complicated relationship, actually. There are days when I feel like it is hung around my neck...haven't posted in days, must think of something to write, must take cute pic of G, people are wondering where I am. And there are other days when I can't stop thinking in post titles, composing entire paragraphs in my head before I ever get near the computer. Like a lot of bloggers I kept copious journals for many years. Now they are buried somewhere in the basement (don't you worry, I know exactly where they are) and this blog serves as my journal most of the time. And I don't want to feel like I need to censor myself. Or censor my feelings because of how someone might react to them. So, the dilemma...how "out there" do I put myself?

I finally caved in on Thursday. It seemed like all signs in the Universe were pointing toward "Time for Kami to join Facebook." I'm only partially kidding. I broke down, I signed up, and it had a slightly fateful feel to it. Weird? Yes. Maybe I'm reading too much into it? Maybe. But maybe not. As I'm finding out, it's fairly impossible to be anonymous on Facebook. You become friends with one person who is friends with someone else you used to know....and yada, yada, yada- 5 days later you already have 40 Facebook friends. I accepted one friend request and Boom! Five people I haven't talked to in a few years located me. I friended my mom (yes, my mother was on Facebook before me...I know, how lame) and Bam! People I hadn't talked to in more than a decade found me.

And you know what? It wasn't as scary as I thought. I was a little apprehensive at first. But it took a surprisingly short time to get over it. And then I began to enjoy catching up with people. So, next, I went out looking. And I found my best friend from college, some friends I grew up with, people from high school. People who, in their own ways, have changed just as much as I have. But still remain great people. People who don't seem to expect that I have stayed the same, either. People who I've really missed! And it's starting to feel ok to let people see me, the Me I am right now. I am very proud of the life I have made. I love my husband. We have a rock-solid relationship. I have a beautiful, sweet-as-pie child who is the light of my life. I am happy. If others who "knew-me-when" make some judgment about me that I disagree with, that doesn't make it true, it doesn't make them right. And it doesn't mean I can't be happy anyway. In many ways I feel like I am getting in touch with myself as I get in touch with others.

I think I have mentioned here before that I have never been a very social person. I am naturally shy and introverted. I'm awkward at parties. I hate talking on the phone. I'm terrible at keeping up with people (ummm, that's why there are so many people who I've lost contact with...the picture, it becomes clear!) But I have noticed that this year I seem to be...well, let's just be corny for a second, blossoming socially. I think, no, I know, that this blog has helped that process. And I feel very strongly that stepping into Facebook is another phase. It's the phase where I get to reclaim all those versions of myself and really own them. I can embrace them as Me and not be scared about what that says about me. And, with that, I can embrace all those people who were with me along the way and not be scared that they won't like me now. Because...well, they liked me then. And I'm still me. Just an older, wiser me.

So, Hi! How have you been? I've missed you!