Living In The Toddler 'Hood

In the insane, sleep-deprived early days of motherhood I subscribed to a slew of parenting and homemaking magazines for reasons that I cannot even begin to fathom at this older, wiser, even much more sleep-deprived state. I suppose I thought I might actually have time to read them. Ha. Younger self, you were a fool.

Anyhoo, these magazines keep coming faithfully every month, oblivious to the fact that they will simply be tossed unceremoniously in a pile awaiting the day when I need to grab something to tide me over at a doctor's appointment or feel like I'm going to be "upstairs" for a while, if you know what I mean. So, yesterday, when I actually had five minutes to myself, and used those five minutes to flip through a random mag from the pile, I was delighted to be rewarded with a fabulous, eye-opening, so-true-it-might-actually-be-gospel article.

After perusal of the Internet I found that the article was authored by this blogger and is actually part of this book, which is a compilation of bloggers! Serendipity, I think. If you go here and flip to the right 8 pages, past the Table of Contents to the first chapter, you can read this article in it's entirety. I considered just copying the whole thing for you here, but I felt wrong about breaking about 8 bijillion copyright rules, give or take a few.

So, now that you've been to the all the links and back, let me tell you why I was so elated. This woman has never met me. She has never met my daughter. Yet she composes this "Toddler Contract" that my daughter could have written, were she allowed to use the computer, or, you know, pens. That must mean that milk for breakfast, no-fruit-chunks-yogurt for lunch, mac and cheese WITHOUT sneaky, cheesy vegetables for dinner, television 24/7 with no interruptions for physical activity, sleep at "will" (and that means HER will) must all be UNIVERSAL truths in toddlerhood! Which means it's not my fault that the kid never eats a green food. It's normal that she is still very much a vegetarian (in the sense that she doesn't eat meat, not that she likes veggies...just to be clear, cause she does not like veggies even a wee little bit.) It means that the near constant cries of "SHOW!" with finger pointing frantically at the tv are to be expected. Whew! What a relief!

See, it's not like I'm dumb. I know all the cliches about raising a toddler. The whining, the crying, the picky-eating, the never-ending mess everywhere she puts her dainty little foot, the obsession with Elmo, the tantrums, MY GOD the tantrums. Of course I know all about that. And have seen it all with my own eyes. I have nieces and nephews.

But the other cliche, the one that goes something like, "well, my child will..." is also true. It's not like it's intentional. I didn't set out to think that I would be a perfect parent with a perfect child. I never had that assumption. But when it's you, dealing with your child who won't eat anything but yogurt, cheerios, and maybe a banana, it's different. Trust me. It suddenly seems that somehow you have completely failed at this parenting gig. Who trusted me with this little creature? Are they expecting me to teach her to brush her teeth twice a day? Are they kidding? How the hell do I do that? She clamps her teeth down on the toothbrush like she's aiming to snap it's neck off when I stick it in her mouth! Do they really think I can make this child take a nap? Yeah, you try. Good freakin' luck.

In reality, this kid does just about anything she wants and I play referee. I'm not proud of that. It feels like I should be doing more "parenting." But I don't know what else parenting a toddler means! It's not like I can reason with her. It's not like she really cares a whole lot what I want her to eat, or to play with, or when I think she should sleep, or what healthy habits I think she should get into. And for the record, lest you think I'm living with a demon child, she is a great girl! She listens very well and she rarely throws a major melt-down tantrum. But, believe me, that is totally up to her and her doing; it has nothing to do with my parenting. When she wants to do something, she's doing it. If I tell her "no" she looks at me, giggles, and does it anyway. And yes, I know she's testing my boundaries, learning the limits of what she can get away with, seeing if I will be consistant, and all that crap. When you're in the middle of it, it feels a lot more like this parenting thing is going to be a much harder job than anyone told you. Where was that "Toddler Contract" when I applied for this job? I'm just so glad it's not just me!