Hard Wood Floors Can Just Suck A$$ And Die

Several years ago, before I was a home owner, when I yearned and dreamed of owning and decorating my own home, the title of this post would not have been possible. I had visions of beautiful, shiny, well-maintained oak or cherry floors, gleaming in the sunlight. I saw myself lazing about on those beautiful floors, maybe with a big, fluffy floor cushion, a magazine, and a cup of tea. I did not, however, envision cleaning those floors. Everyday.

Now I own a home that is filled with these floors. Not the handsome floors of my daydreams. No, these hard wood (and really, do we always need the disclaimer that they are "hard" wood? I mean, who doesn't want to giggle a little in a dirty way every time I say that? I think a man must have devised that particular descriptive term. Yes, there was definitely a man behind hard wood floors, the more I think about it. It all makes sense. I digress...continue on) that "grace" my home have seen the worst of it. Kids, animals, water damage, years of wear and tear. They are battle scarred. I should probably think of them in more charitable ways, given all they have seen and withstood in their 72 years. But, alas, I cannot.

For the benefit of those of you who have not been in my home, let me describe for you our flooring layout. We have one strip of carpeting in the whole house, the stairs and upstairs hallway, which finds itself just as abused as the hard wood. This carpet is routinely called upon by my animals to be subjected to their various gastrointestinal woes. I mean, John has gastroinestinal woes, but HE doesn't see a need to spread it all over the only carpet in the house. In any event, the rest of the house is either tired, old linoleum (kitchen and bath, nat.) or tired, old hard wood. The downstairs floors have had a little more love in their lives than the upstairs. The downstairs was at one time (way prior to us) covered in carpeting of its own, which protected the wood. Then, when the carpeting came up, I'm sure in some 80's reno project, the floors were sanded and resealed, as they deserved. The upstairs floors, they have never seen the love of a wood sander or an oil treatment. They have been left to their own pathetic devices over the years and have turned dry, tired and bitter.

Enter my furry family. By that, I mean, two cats and a rather large dog. Enter spring. Oh, spring. You two-faced back-stabber. You bring flowers and birdsong and sunny skies. And you bring shedding and mud all over the freakin' place. And this is where I have come to loathe my hard wood floors. For, unlike carpeting, they do not quietly suck up the dust and dander and let you peacefully imagine that you have a clean home. No, they announce to everyone that no matter how dutifully I sweep and vacuum and even get down on my freakin' hands and knees and wipe up all the cat hair/dog hair/tracked in dirt, etc....it is STILL there, 2 seconds later, as someone walks by and the hairs fly. It's ALWAYS there.

My next house will be carpeted in dull, industrial strength, grey heaven. And yes, I just completed a 1000+ word essay on my floors.