Revealing Vague Insecurities

I don't even know what I want to say here, in this space, right now. I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head, emotions running loose around my heart. I just got out of a long, hot shower. You know, one of those were you just let the water pound on your brain, hoping it will bring some clarity along with a cleansing, but somehow the healing water doesn't penetrate to your insides. One of those. And now, hair dripping, I just feel like I need to get it OUT somehow. But I don't even know where to begin. Or what to say. The internet is a very big place and these feelings are very personal. Blogs are so strange, aren't they. So self-important. So easy to put waaaaay TMI about yourself out there for absolutely anyone to read. So we self-censor and somehow it defeats the purpose of this space. But that is a topic for another time. This is how my brain seems to be functioning lately. Spinning, jumpy, preoccupied.

I'm feeling incredibly selfish this week. But at the same time, I feel like it's not time to give it up yet. We've had the long talks, are in agreement. But I can't help feeling that his pain is exacerbated and prolonged because of me. Because I feel like there is meant to be something else. This can't go on for too long. It's just not fair. But I have no control over my own body, let alone his. I keep getting slapped in the face with that truth, over and over. Over and over. For years now. No control. No control. I can't WILL things to happen, no matter how hard I think about it. No matter how meticulously I plan. My body and my mind have a disconnect. They don't communicate. I'm sitting here, prescriptions in hand, a perfectly conceived plan to be followed. But my body is ALREADY not cooperating with itself. How am I supposed to get there when I can't even get past here?? I'm stuck. He's stuck because I'm stuck. And yet I can't give up. I can't just stop. It doesn't feel right. It's not time to make that decision.

In August, if all goes well, he'll be returning to grad school. There needs to be some changes before then. We'll keep the status quo for now. The doctors assure us it's the right way to go. There's a time table. A vague deadline, looming out there. And I have no control over what happens between now and then. But each attack, each "episode" as we call them, will feel like a selfish act on my part. I guess that's all I know for sure right now.

God. I hate this. I'm so exhausted from big, life altering decisions. For wishing and hoping for things I can't will into being. I get it. I have no control. It's all an illusion. I get it, already. Can we get beyond this lesson? Does it need to keep beating me over the head?

I'm going to bed.