The Agony of Parenting

A large piece of my heart is missing today. More than my heart, really, I feel like my soul has been ripped away from me. Dramatic? Maybe. But that is how I feel. Today is the official start of G's life separate from me. She is at her grandparent's today. And everyday for the foreseeable future. I sit here in tears, completely unable to focus on work. How will I be able to be her mother when I will not see her for more than a few waking hours every evening? How can I turn my child over to be essentially raised by someone else? Even if it is my parents. She is our daughter. We should be the ones playing with her, teaching her, rocking her to sleep, disciplining her, loving her all day. What a screwed up society we live in. What could possibly be more important that raising your child? Pouring yourself into this person that you brought into the world, to mold them into a good person, an intelligent, caring, kind person. But our society doesn't allow this to be a priority for most parents. It has driven our culture to make ordinary life so freaking expensive that it is nearly impossible for a family to live on one average income. Both John and I make "decent" salaries, for the occupation we are in and our length of employment. But there is NO WAY we could cut out one half of our income. So, there really is no other option but to both work full-time and allow someone else the privilege of raising our daughter. Because, that really is what it amounts to. It is more than simply "watching" her during the day, or "babysitting." She will spend the majority of her waking hours with someone else. And that means that person will be, in essence, parenting her. This makes me terribly sad. No, don't get me wrong. I am so, so grateful that the people who will be caring for her are my parents. That is truly the best option and G will benefit from it. But, it's still not John and I. And I am also so, so grateful that I work for an agency that truly values and supports families and that has not only allowed G to spend her first year with both parents everyday, but will also welcome her on days when I don't have childcare, or on a random day that I just can't bear not having her with me a moment longer. Oh, I am so grateful. But today, it just doesn't make it any easier. Because a physical piece of my body, this part of my heart and soul, is OUT THERE. Not here. And it is a permanent thing. Not just for today, or this week. For the rest of her life. I just want to take her and stuff her back inside my body and carry her with me forever. Really. Man, does this suck.