Writing for Myself

Hello, Blogland. How are ya? I’ve been good. I took a hiatus from you and honestly? It felt kinda nice. It wasn’t intentional and it was nothing personal. I hope you forgive me. See, this blog of mine…it became this THING that began to feel like it was swallowing me. I stopped writing because I enjoyed it and started writing because I felt like I needed to get a post up already, my Lord, it’s been 2 weeks, 2 months, why oh why haven’t I written anything?!? And suddenly it’s been 6 or more months. And to be honest, I haven’t even looked at this page in at least 3 of those months.

Last night I sat down at my newish computer. I bought it over Thanksgiving when my last laptop crashed. And I typed in www.gsblueeyes.blogspot.com into my browser and sat there, astonished, when my newish computer didn’t even recognize the address while I typed. I’ve never visited this site on this computer?

I lost myself for a few hours in old posts. My old posts. My thoughts and memories. My worries (some of which seem so silly now, some I still carry). And I began to miss you all; I began to miss this. This whole THING. This space that I own, it’s mine. I can say, in theory, what I want. (Anyone who blogs, especially if they blog unanonymously, knows they can’t REALLY say anything they want. But still…) I can be me. I can write for myself, even if no one else reads it. Bessie.viola reminded me of that, and that’s why I love her. She’s so like me. She gets me. And I never would have met her without this space. And I miss that, too. Making friends with people I would never have met in real life because they live in Michigan and Canada and other places that are NOT upstate New York.

So, Blogland, I think I’m back, if you’ll have me. I might not post as often. I’ll try not to get sucked up by ads and obsessing over readership and all the other niggling little annoyances that made me just feel so….gah! And I will write for myself. So my future self can sit down, have a cup of coffee, and re-live these moments that are passing my current self by so quickly. That’s why I began this space. That’s what I love about it.

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A brief update on my life:

I am now the mother of a 3 year-old. She’s still amazing. She is in preschool 2 days a week. She’s potty trained. She is my joy.

My husband’s health has made a dramatic turn-around. In May he began seeing a naturopath in New Jersey named Roland Ramos. He doesn’t have a website (!!) so I can’t link you there, but he is a miracle worker. That is not hyperbole. We drive 3 hours one way once a week to see him, and it has been life changing. John is also in graduate school working on a Master’s of Social Work.

Not much is new with me, really. My job keeps me very busy, which also cut into my blogging time. I am not expecting baby #2 and probably never will be. And, honestly, I’m ok with that. My family feels right. I’ve been working on me, my internal life, my thoughts and fears. I haven’t shared a lot of it with anybody. I’ve been trying to create some cohesion between my past and my present, who I was and who I am. And all the imperfections I’ve discovered along the way. Ahh, maybe that’s a post for another day. Maybe not.