Re-Run

I've been quiet lately because I have been struggling, mostly internally, with a lot of sh*t I can't discuss. This old post, from 2 years ago, sums up pretty well how I feel. The difference is, this issue is mine, not his. This pain is inside me, not him. And finding the serenity in the middle of my own storm is twice, no...three times as hard, it seems.

Today is a bad day. I'm still trying to find my balance. It's there, I know it is. But it's so hard to find it when your heart is upside down.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Way It Is

Not to belabor the point, but I find myself whispering this to myself daily, practically hourly, as things continue to fall apart.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

I struggle to find balance in my nature; I am happy and content by design and it is so at odds with our circumstances...with my husband. I find myself awaking each morning, tired and exhausted, yes, but still hopeful, happy. Only to get knocked down by each new wave in this sea of anxiety and dread that finds a way to keep filling my days even as I struggle to push it out. If you have ever been in the ocean you know that pushing against the waves is futile. It is like the wave that (literally) swept me off my feet and underneath a few summers ago. Just as I thought I had found my balance another, stronger, wave came up behind it and turned me upside down, throwing me into the hard, scratchy sand littered with pebbles and jagged rocks. The wave that stole my engagement ring and threatened to steal my wedding rings too.

I struggle, too, with that feeling of wanting to control everything, to fix it somehow and make it better. To make people be and act the way I would have it. That, of course, is a futile effort. I find myself talking about futility and wasted energy a lot these days. Because, of course, as I have had to learn over and over in my life, the only control you ever have is over your own reactions to things, people, events. To spend time worrying, agonizing, fighting what is is wasting your own limited energy. But the feelings persist. They are there moments after I awake and threaten the peace that I found overnight.

And then, as the prayer says, there are the things I can change. I can change my own angst, my own despair. But, oh, after that initial optimistic waking, it can be so hard to regain my footing. That bigger, stronger wave always seems to be lurking, waiting to knock me down.

So, I pray. This simple prayer that reminds me that I can't control much, can't change much, and it is hopelessly exhausting to try. Instead, I need to accept things as they are, examine and adjust my own attitude and responses to situations and other people. To find peace in being, whatever is. To make sure that I am true to myself, to my own nature. To change the things that I can change, and find peace with the things that I can't.

Serenity.